General Humor

Shirley Martin said:

Under the kilt​

A kilted Scotsman was walking down a country path after finishing off a large amount of whisky at a local pub. He felt quite sleepy and decided to nap against a tree.

As he slept, two female tourists heard his loud snoring. When they found him, one said, "I've always wondered what a Scotsman wears under his kilt."

She boldly walked over to the sleeper, raised his kilt, and saw that he wore nothing at all. Her friend said, "Well, the mystery is solved! Let's thank him for sharing!"

She took off her pretty blue hair ribbon and gently tied it around the Scotsman's endowment. A while later, the Scotsman was awakened by the call of nature. He raised his kilt and was bewildered at the sight of the neatly tied blue ribbon. He stared for a minute, then said, "I don't know where ya been laddie... but it's nice ta see you won firrrrst prrrrize!"
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Riske stuff for a simple country girl, @Shirley Martin :)
 
A friend of mine had her 80th birthday, and one day received a jury-duty notice. She called the clerk's office to tell them that she was exempt because of her age.

Them: "You need to come in and fill out the exemption forms," the clerk said.

Her: "But I filled them out last year," she replied.

Them: "You have to fill them out every year."

Her: "Why? Do you think I'm getting younger?"
 
Senior moment humor.

I went to the gym Friday morning, excited to try out the new headphones I'd bought to listen to my Apple Music playlist while on the treadmill.

I scan the gym's WiFi, it's on my phone, says it's connected, but I'm not hearing anything.

I go to the kid at the desk, ask him if I'm doing something wrong. He checks my phone, WiFi is good.

Then he looks at my headphones...

"You have to turn them on."
 
I REMEMBER THESE

"But Mommy I don't want to go to Europe"

"Shut up and keep swimming."

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"But Mommy I hate Daddys guts"

" shut up and keep eating."

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Tony "you're as funny as a submarine with screen doors."
 
One day I was mentioning in passing that I'd love to be ten again.

So hubs fixed a heaping stack of chocolate-chip pancakes. Then took me to a playground, played on the merry-go-round and all the other things there. Then got a banana split on the way home.

Hubs asked how I enjoyed being a kid for a day?

I said it was great, but when I said I wanted to be ten again, I meant my dress size.
 
Tony Page said:
I REMEMBER THESE

"But Mommy I don't want to go to Europe"

"Shut up and keep swimming."

--------‐‐--------------------------------------

"But Mommy I hate Daddys guts"

" shut up and keep eating."

----------------------------------------------------

Tony "you're as funny as a submarine with screen doors."
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Remember "Little Moron" jokes?? I had totally forgotten about those! :ROFLMAO:

Why did the little moron bury his wife under the porch? So he could sing "I'm Walking the Floor Over You".
 
Beth Gallagher said:
Remember "Little Moron" jokes?? I had totally forgotten about those! :ROFLMAO:

Why did the little moron bury his wife under the porch? So he could sing "I'm Walking the Floor Over You".
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I had to look to see who posted this. I thought Hal was alive and back. :ROFLMAO:

OK, you forced me to post a lame kids ranch joke. What did the mama cow say to her calf that was frocking in the field after dusk? "It's pasture bedtime."
 
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