On Death & Dying

Ken Anderson

Ken Anderson

Greeter
Staff member
I'm going to post this here rather than in the health section because we can always talk about our specific health problems there. I thought it might be helpful, informative, and reasonable to have a thread that discusses the subject of death and dying, our own and those around us.

There ain't any of us getting any younger, and many of you are older than I am. While I don't think I am going to die anytime soon, two of my brothers probably didn't think they were going to either until not long before they did, and it's likely that we've all lost a large percentage of the people who were the most important to us throughout our lives. Even as a forum family, we've lost many good people since 2015.

While it's not a happy subject, it is one of our life's challenges.

I don't have anything profound to say on the subject at the moment, but I have been thinking about many of those who have gone before me, and others who don't have long. I haven't been logging into my Facebook page much lately, although I am going to try to remember to do so more often, not to post political stuff as I once did, but to keep up with family and co-workers. I just learned that another of my first cousins, a younger brother of one of my best childhood friends, probably doesn't have long left. I lost my younger brother a few years ago, and he was five years younger than me. I still hope to sell my land in Maine and move back to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan before I die, but so many of the people I grew up with there have already passed.
 
I think about death and dying more than I used to; each birthday reminds me that my personal expiration date is getting closer. I worry that my husband will die first and I'll be alone, then I worry that I will die first and who will take care of him.

I know that death is inevitable, and my biggest fear is how I will die--will I be afraid, will I suffer. It kind of reminds me of when I was pregnant with my first baby. I knew I had to go through childbirth but it was terrifying to consider. I remember telling my husband at the hospital, "I don't want to do this; please take me home." Some things in life are simply unavoidable, and sadly, death is one of those things.

I had the same reaction to chemo. Once they hooked up the IV and plugged the needle into the port in my chest I felt sheer terror. I told the nurse, "I don't want to do this. I can't do this." She patted my hand and covered me with a blanket.

I hope I can face death with dignity. And I hope it won't be terrible.
 
Except to stay above ground to see my last horse laid to rest, I don’t fret over it for myself. I have already lost nearly everyone that matters.

My dad, my son, my husband in that order in the month of April, in separate years . My father-in-law and my SIL’s mom in May, and the list keeps going. The year my son passed, we lost so many people, it got to where everyone was afraid to pick up their phone.

I’ve lost them in an instant, I’ve watched them get eaten away by some insidious disease. It all sucks. It all makes for two very bad months in the year for me.

I was raised not to be a complainer, so I try not to. It explains why I am not a fluffy/petting type person, nor do I expect to be pet, but I do try to offer sympathy and empathy. I find I am better off not saying anything, at least on these senior forums, because I am new. I get it because I have been a member of a horse forum for 18 of its 20 years of existence and one is treated much differently when they’re a charter member vs. a new kid on the block.

I have a strong Christian faith. I am 79. I am so fortunate to have all my faculties, but I do have my own health issues that wear me out almost before I start my day. When my clock runs out, it runs out. All I ask (🙏🙏) is to be able to manage each day and see my last horse to his end time because him going down the road in a slaughter trailer is not something he deserves.

I have a pretty tight Will that includes what happens to my horse & dogs, if I cash in first. Best I can hope for is everyone surrounding me respects my wishes for my animals.
 
I'm in the process of dying now and it ain't easy.
Main thing would be to die where your most comfortable. It;s hard enough to die when your fighting pain and drug side effects, without feeling trapped and isolated.
I'm very fortunate to have my spouse here 24-7 doing for me, yet unlike many enjoy the rural life and have friends and family close by, we have been too busy setting up to socialize much and meet people here.Not that we want to be reallt socialble.
Family is from 900 to 500 miles away.
Jake will not be comfortable anywhere else but here.
I've never been that fond of the isolation everything is so far away ,doctors, hospitals, stores., civilization.
When I get to where I need to be hospitalized Jake will have the hens and dogs and house to watch out for, if we weren't so far from everything it would make it a whole lot easier.
 
Ken Anderson said:
I'm going to post this here rather than in the health section because we can always talk about our specific health problems there. I thought it might be helpful, informative, and reasonable to have a thread that discusses the subject of death and dying, our own and those around us.

There ain't any of us getting any younger, and many of you are older than I am. While I don't think I am going to die anytime soon, two of my brothers probably didn't think they were going to either until not long before they did, and it's likely that we've all lost a large percentage of the people who were the most important to us throughout our lives. Even as a forum family, we've lost many good people since 2015.

While it's not a happy subject, it is one of our life's challenges.

I don't have anything profound to say on the subject at the moment, but I have been thinking about many of those who have gone before me, and others who don't have long. I haven't been logging into my Facebook page much lately, although I am going to try to remember to do so more often, not to post political stuff as I once did, but to keep up with family and co-workers. I just learned that another of my first cousins, a younger brother of one of my best childhood friends, probably doesn't have long left. I lost my younger brother a few years ago, and he was five years younger than me. I still hope to sell my land in Maine and move back to the Upper Peninsula of Michigan before I die, but so many of the people I grew up with there have already passed.
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Ken, what keeps you from making the move? You cannot go back per se as everything has changed including you. For giggles - read the small print on a loan application. Yes, nobody does. You will find the term “time is of the essence”.
We fiddle farted around until Namibia changed its immigration requirements and we did not need a visa for Oklahoma.
 
Marie Mallory said:
I'm in the process of dying now and it ain't easy.
Main thing would be to die where your most comfortable. It;s hard enough to die when your fighting pain and drug side effects, without feeling trapped and isolated.
I'm very fortunate to have my spouse here 24-7 doing for me, yet unlike many enjoy the rural life and have friends and family close by, we have been too busy setting up to socialize much and meet people here.Not that we want to be reallt socialble.
Family is from 900 to 500 miles away.
Jake will not be comfortable anywhere else but here.
I've never been that fond of the isolation everything is so far away ,doctors, hospitals, stores., civilization.
When I get to where I need to be hospitalized Jake will have the hens and dogs and house to watch out for, if we weren't so far from everything it would make it a whole lot easier.
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Marie, at this point you do not even have a clear decision on that is broken and a plan on how it can be fixed. Please look at the positive side and stay out of the rabbit hole. It is overcrowded anyway!
How long have you lived on this property?
 
Marie Miller said:
Ken, what keeps you from making the move? You cannot go back per se as everything has changed including you. For giggles - read the small print on a loan application. Yes, nobody does. You will find the term “time is of the essence”.
We fiddle farted around until Namibia changed its immigration requirements and we did not need a visa for Oklahoma.
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Are you from Namiba, Marie? How very interesting! :cool: It is always nice to learn about life where others have lived, and what brought them to America.
 
One of the things about growing up on a cattle ranch, is dying and death are something you learn to accept and deal with, almost on a daily basis. Whether ranching or farming, your daily life is all about the cycle of life. I don't think more about dying now at 75, than I did in my 20s. I know old age will get me if nothing else does. Over the years, having a few times where doctors let me know, based on there initial finding, that my time was short. In one case, they told me to call whoever was responsible if I died, because I would never make it to a big hospital trauma unit, even on life flight. I made the call and here I am 25 years later. The brain tumor turned out benign and any problem it causes is easier to endure than risky brain surgery.

One of my grandpas always told me to focus on living, rather than dying. That thought has helped me through the times when it seemed the end was near. I hope I can keep that frame of mind even in my final moments. Looking forward to life has helped aid my healing in times of sickness or disability.
 
Krystal Shay said:
Are you from Namiba, Marie? How very interesting! :cool: It is always nice to learn about life where others have lived, and what brought them to America.
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No Krystal it was a retirement but still play target. New visa requirements make it close to impossible. We have friends who made the move almost 20 years ago and run a successful IT niche company. They cannot get citizenship because they need proof of no citizenship while their country of origin requires proof of citizenship of Namibia to release them.
 
Marie Mallory said:
I'm in the process of dying now and it ain't easy.
Main thing would be to die where your most comfortable. It;s hard enough to die when your fighting pain and drug side effects, without feeling trapped and isolated.
I'm very fortunate to have my spouse here 24-7 doing for me, yet unlike many enjoy the rural life and have friends and family close by, we have been too busy setting up to socialize much and meet people here.Not that we want to be reallt socialble.
Family is from 900 to 500 miles away.
Jake will not be comfortable anywhere else but here.
I've never been that fond of the isolation everything is so far away ,doctors, hospitals, stores., civilization.
When I get to where I need to be hospitalized Jake will have the hens and dogs and house to watch out for, if we weren't so far from everything it would make it a whole lot easier.
Click to expand...

Marie--we are all in the process of dying; that is the cycle of life. I hope you have not resigned yourself to refusing cancer treatment that might extend your time with Jake.

I agree that we should get to die where we are most comfortable, but sadly most of us don't get a choice. I wish more states had the "Right to Die" option.
 
Beth Gallagher said:
Marie--we are all in the process of dying; that is the cycle of life. I hope you have not resigned yourself to refusing cancer treatment that might extend your time with Jake.

I agree that we should get to die where we are most comfortable, but sadly most of us don't get a choice. I wish more states had the "Right to Die" option.
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Beth I know but when it's here and now and very painful, so many things to do to get us thru the process.
Plus we don't even have cemetery plots yet, so I told Jake this morning to check on that.
 
Marie Mallory said:
Beth I know but when it's here and now and very painful, so many things to do to get us thru the process.
Plus we don't even have cemetery plots yet, so I told Jake this morning to check on that.
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It's good to have preparations made and affairs in order, if only to spare the family further grief when the time comes.

Marie, only you (and Jake) can decide about your treatment, but don't throw in the towel before you even get started. You remember how terrified I was and how many times I wanted to give up during treatment, but all of you helped keep me going. Now it's been five "bonus years" so far that I would not have had if I had abandoned treatment.

We want to keep you around for a while and those vines aren't going to cut themselves down!!
 
Beth Gallagher said:
It's good to have preparations made and affairs in order, if only to spare the family further grief when the time comes.

Marie, only you (and Jake) can decide about your treatment, but don't throw in the towel before you even get started. You remember how terrified I was and how many times I wanted to give up during treatment, but all of you helped keep me going. Now it's been five "bonus years" so far that I would not have had if I had abandoned treatment.

We want to keep you around for a while and those vines aren't going to cut themselves down!!
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Beth looking in the yard today one of the vines was checking out one of my favorite trees. So yes I do need to get back to them.
 
I think about dying more than I should maybe, but I think it is natural to have it cross our minds as we get older. I worry about getting an illness that becomes debilitating to which I can no longer care for myself; and then death may linger for years. I don’t want to become a burden to anyone.

I do try to live in the moment, and I hope when death comes, I will be brave and then become a twinkling star in the Universe.🌟💫:D
 
When I worked with Hospice, I discovered, at least in Alaska, that you can remain in your home during the hospice process. I previously thought you had to be in a facility like a nursing home. You must have a 24/7 co-resident and a room large enough to contain all the equipment that is needed to make you comfortable. Usually the 24/7 co-resident is a spouse, child or sibling, but it can be anyone willing to do it I think. There are volunteers that sit with the patient while the attendant does necessary shopping, socializing and such, often for one or two afternoons or mornings every week.
If you do not have a co-resident, you would have top be in a facility. Hospice does not want you to die alone, or to die "by accident". Comfort is the primary mission. I only know Alaska rules, and I suspect it varies by state here in the U.S.A.
 
Don Alaska said:
When I worked with Hospice, I discovered, at least in Alaska, that you can remain in your home during the hospice process. I previously thought you had to be in a facility like a nursing home. You must have a 24/7 co-resident and a room large enough to contain all the equipment that is needed to make you comfortable. Usually the 24/7 co-resident is a spouse, child or sibling, but it can be anyone willing to do it I think. There are volunteers that sit with the patient while the attendant does necessary shopping, socializing and such, often for one or two afternoons or mornings every week.
If you do not have a co-resident, you would have top be in a facility. Hospice does not want you to die alone, or to die "by accident". Comfort is the primary mission. I only know Alaska rules, and I suspect it varies by state here in the U.S.A.
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Both of my parents had hospice care at home, which was nearly 30 years ago. Hospice had different workers come by to check on them, which really wasn't needed, since someone was always with them 24/7 anyway. In both cases, both of my parents ended up dying 7 days after going into hospice care.
 
Krystal Shay said:
Both of my parents had hospice care at home, which was nearly 30 years ago. Hospice had different workers come by to check on them, which really wasn't needed, since someone was always with them 24/7 anyway. In both cases, both of my parents ended up dying 7 days after going into hospice care.
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Hospice requires that "professionals" check the status so that there is no abuse or neglect involved. Usually it is a nurse, but doctors, respiratory therapists, and others are often used.
 
Don Alaska said:
When I worked with Hospice, I discovered, at least in Alaska, that you can remain in your home during the hospice process. I previously thought you had to be in a facility like a nursing home. You must have a 24/7 co-resident and a room large enough to contain all the equipment that is needed to make you comfortable. Usually the 24/7 co-resident is a spouse, child or sibling, but it can be anyone willing to do it I think. There are volunteers that sit with the patient while the attendant does necessary shopping, socializing and such, often for one or two afternoons or mornings every week.
If you do not have a co-resident, you would have top be in a facility. Hospice does not want you to die alone, or to die "by accident". Comfort is the primary mission. I only know Alaska rules, and I suspect it varies by state here in the U.S.A.
Click to expand...
Don I talked to Jake about Hospice just last week. He aid he will take care of me, then I remined him about all the things he has to do here. He said he will get it done.
Either way it is good to know Hospice is around if needed.
 
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