What Happened?

This is a long story. Don't read if you are only going to chastise me or conversely give me "I care" sympathy . If you don't want to be depressed. If you're going to tell me to call 911, immediately! I don't know what I expect. Maybe just to get this off my chest.

Everything changed when I turned 60. I'm 67 now. Before I was very active and healthy. I healed up from everything overnight. But I noticed that I was going deaf in one ear in 2010 and a ringing was starting. January 1, 2011 the hearing in that ear was gone and I was getting tinnitus 24/7. One day I was reading in a cushioned rocker in my house. I was eating Nestle's Toll House Morsels out of a bag. Suddenly a very frightening thing happened. The room started to spin about wildly. I went and made my way to my bed and closed my eyes. Finally I looked in my eyes in the mirror. Slowly the spinning stopped. The next day, to test it I ate some more. Maybe 15 to 30 minutes later the room started to spin again. I haven't knowingly ate anyhing from that company again. I also avoided chocolate for years. The tinnitus I got used to, mostly, with time.

I was married and we had a daughter. I was mostly tasked with raising her as my wife worked more then I did. She worked for the Post Office, which job she utterly hated. They use and abuse then spit out their employees and get new ones. It's a scandal. Anyway, I did the job of raising my daugther for 18 years, trying to give her the best life I could. We traveled everywhere and had a great time. She was my best friend.

For awhile my wife, before my daughter was born, used to do things like hold my arm when we were walking and I treasured that. She would go hiking with me and we went to lots of remote places. She would go with me wherever I wanted to move. As someone who grew up in a family where no one cared (and much worse than that) except my brother, that was unheard of. I loved her for it. Told her I would always love her. She told me that nothing lasts forever. But she gave me a chance.

Slowly that changed. She grew more indifferent. I grew silently angry. Well I criticized her indifference sometimes. It really hurt. That's a no no because she was all about saving face. Hated it whenever anyone said anything bad about her. Eventually she became quite indifferent to me. Stopped hiking with me. I couldn't even get her out of her chair looking at her computer if I needed some help doing something. That was for years. I understand though as I wasn't the easiest person to like, I guess. I don't mean that I ever hit, yelled at or abused her. Of course not. I considered her as equal to me. Respected her opinions about everything. Bought her things and did all kinds of things for her. But she remained indifferent. What I mean is that I'm a very private person. So is my brother. We're introverted. A result of our upbringing. I won't get into it.

But I had problems with neighbors. I don't know why but when people detect that you want to be left alone to live your life with your family in privacy they get nosy. Even ridiculously nosy sometimes. I had one neighbor looking quietly around then right in my windows. Another that ran away from a sensor light I installed when it came on at night. The worst was a guy who used to get on top of the fence or on top of his roof and look obviously in our windows. He said, "What can I say? I'm a curious guy". He also said, "What are you doing over there, growing marijuana?", "What do you need so much privacy for? If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear". I was mad enough to bust. But my wife avoids conflicts at all costs. Never "saw" anything. We moved.

One night many years into our marriage I was again criticizing her indifference to my brother on the phone. I was loud enough for her to hear. She said something then that made me so sooo regret that I ever said anything. She said "I want a divorce". My world crumbled. I loaded all her stuff into a moving van at night so the neighbors wouldn't see. I felt such loss as I did it while she slept. Such pain. She moved. For financial reasons we stayed married.

As I said, I had tinnitus in one ear. When it first started I went to an ENT to find out what was going on. She was totally uninterested. Did some routine tests. I asked, "Could it be a tumor?" She said maybe. I left. I thought of a question though on exiting. I asked the secretary if I could ask her one more question. She said that will cost another $200. I couldn't afford it. I wasn't feeling bad otherwise so I left her practice never to return.

At 60 it all came to a head. I felt something in my right ear. Intense pressure. It was on the inside of my eardrum. I had a strong sense of panic. I went to one doctor, the only one I could afford from a list the insurance company had. An Indian guy (not Native American). He was so drowsy his family were holding his hand. All the employees were his family I think. He told me confidently that all I needed was an antihistamine. I was skeptical but bought one. No effect whatsoever. The pressure grew more intense. I went to another doctor. I told him that I know something is there. He laughed it off and told me that I was hypochondriac. I insisted. Finally he said he would order a cat scan to "humor" me. I went. When it came back he called me into his office. I went. He rather sheepishly told me that there was indeed something in my ear and it was big. Pressing on my brainstem. An Acoustic Neuroma, aka a Vestibular Swanomma. He looked very embarrassed. I later found out that he quit medical practice.

Meanwhile my daughter moved out. She's been indifferent to me too. Got tired of the issue. I understand. Before I would have too.

I was sent to a university for them to remove the acoustic neuroma. They said I would die without surgery. Keep in mind my sense of panic was through the roof by this time. I read something much earlier about psilocybin in science magazines. It said one dose can make you happy for life. Man, I wanted that! I had the interview with the doctor where I asked him if he could prescribe that as an after surgery medication. He said he was not about to prescribe it to me. Said my brain had been through enough. Said I could find another doctor if I want. I said no.

I had the surgery. He removed all of it according to another doctor who says he was there. The tinitius, though, remained, along with another malady which took over that resulted from the surgery. Synkinesis. That's where the face and neck becomes numb and very tight, like wearing a tight fitting mask that I can't take off. On top of that there is a feeling of just weirdness to half of my tongue and lips and inside of my cheek. The tightness also pulls on my eye, forcing it somewhat out of shape. So it gets dry for which I'm constantly rubbling it. It's also unfocussed. I went into the surgery with 20/20 vision.

It's good that he removed the acoustic neuroma but the thing is that since then I've had mind-numbingly terrible depression. Black depression. I thought I was at the bottom before but after surgery, WOW, my depression, loneliness and boredom became 3 to 5 time worse. Must be something in the AN that he removed. I contacted a psychiatric doctor and he prescribed 11 different medications, none of which worked. Don't know if Ketamine would have worked. I tried it in 2 doses of Spravato and 1 infusion but it was so expensive (Medicare doesn't cover it) that I couldn't continue. So I've endured. I tried to live as normally as I could, hoping that with time it would improve. And it did some. I even took a job as a food from restaurant to home delivery person (a really bad gig, but it's all I can find) that I've made many thousands of deliveries for, for a company I won't mention. I've put in many many regular applications on Indeed, but truthfully the thought of working for a place that loudly pumps the decades old rock or country music is so off-putting that I don't know if I could stand it. Who wants to hear Rod Stewart or Kim Carnes for the millionth time.

My wife finally divorced me.

So now here I am. Alone. A complainer. Absolutely alone. I was feeling pretty lonely so I bought a puppy. She's probably my only reason for existence. She can be quite irritating but I am loathe to get angry at the only thing in the world that really loves me. My rent is very high so I've been trying to find a house, but for my budget the only thing I can find are junkers or places thousands of miles back east. So it looks like I will have to work until I die.

I often ask myself why my life has been like this. Is it all a test? Did I bring it all on myself by thinking negatively? I'm really trying to be positive. I've always been polite to everyone. Respectful. Tried to do the right thing (but have made sooo many mistakes along the way that I think of all the time). Pay my bills. I have a hard time believing in God. I have a skepticism that I can't seem to shake. If there is a God I feel like he must not like me. Anyway, It's been more than 7 years since the surgery and I'm still here.

But still, I feel that I have down deep one, tiny, flame, like a candle, that has so far refused to give up.

Aelurodon said:

This is a long story. Don't read if you are only going to chastise me or conversely give me "I care" sympathy . If you don't want to be depressed. If you're going to tell me to call 911, immediately! I don't know what I expect. Maybe just to get this off my chest.

Everything changed when I turned 60. I'm 67 now. Before I was very active and healthy. I healed up from everything overnight. But I noticed that I was going deaf in one ear in 2010 and a ringing was starting. January 1, 2011 the hearing in that ear was gone and I was getting tinnitus 24/7. One day I was reading in a cushioned rocker in my house. I was eating Hershey's Kisses out of a bag. Suddenly a very frightening thing happened. The room started to spin about wildly. I went and made my way to my bed and closed my eyes. Finally I looked in my eyes in the mirror. Slowly the spinning stopped. The next day, to test it I ate some more. Maybe 15 to 30 minutes later the room started to spin again. I haven't knowingly ate anyhing from that company again. I also avoided chocolate for years. The tinnitus I got used to, mostly, with time.

I was married and we had a daughter. I was mostly tasked with raising her as my wife worked more then I did. She worked for the Post Office, which job she utterly hated. They use and abuse then spit out their employees and get new ones. It's a scandal. Anyway, I did the job of raising my daugther for 18 years, trying to give her the best life I could. We traveled everywhere and had a great time. She was my best friend.

For awhile my wife, before my daughter was born, used to do things like hold my arm when we were walking and I treasured that. She would go hiking with me and we went to lots of remote places. She would go with me wherever I wanted to move. As someone who grew up in a family where no one cared (and much worse than that) except my brother, that was unheard of. I loved her for it. Told her I would always love her. She told me that nothing lasts forever. But she gave me a chance.

Slowly that changed. She grew more indifferent. I grew silently angry. Well I criticized her indifference sometimes. It really hurt. That's a no no because she was all about saving face. Hated it whenever anyone said anything bad about her. Eventually she became quite indifferent to me. Stopped hiking with me. I couldn't even get her out of her chair looking at her computer if I needed some help doing something. That was for years. I understand though as I wasn't the easiest person to like, I guess. I don't mean that I ever hit, yelled at or abused her. Of course not. I considered her as equal to me. Respected her opinions about everything. Bought her things and did all kinds of things for her. But she remained indifferent. What I mean is that I'm a very private person. So is my brother. We're introverted. A result of our upbringing. I won't get into it.

But I had problems with neighbors. I don't know why but when people detect that you want to be left alone to live your life with your family in privacy they get nosy. Even ridiculously nosy sometimes. I had one neighbor looking quietly around then right in my windows. Another that ran away from a sensor light I installed when it came on at night. The worst was a guy who used to get on top of the fence or on top of his roof and look obviously in our windows. He said, "What can I say? I'm a curious guy". He also said, "What are you doing over there, growing marijuana?", "What do you need so much privacy for? If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear". I was mad enough to bust. But my wife avoids conflicts at all costs. Never "saw" anything. We moved.

One night many years into our marriage I was again criticizing her indifference to my brother on the phone. I was loud enough for her to hear. She said something then that made me so sooo regret that I ever said anything. She said "I want a divorce". My world crumbled. I loaded all her stuff into a moving van at night so the neighbors wouldn't see. I felt such loss as I did it while she slept. Such pain. She moved. For financial reasons we stayed married.

As I said, I had tinnitus in one ear. When it first started I went to an ENT to find out what was going on. She was totally uninterested. Did some routine tests. I asked, "Could it be a tumor?" She said maybe. I left. I thought of a question though on exiting. I asked the secretary if I could ask her one more question. She said that will cost another $200. I couldn't afford it. I wasn't feeling bad otherwise so I left her practice never to return.

At 60 it all came to a head. I felt something in my right ear. Intense pressure. It was on the inside of my eardrum. I had a strong sense of panic. I went to one doctor, the only one I could afford from a list the insurance company had. An Indian guy (not Native American). He was so drowsy his family were holding his hand. All the employees were his family I think. He told confidently that me all I needed was an antihistamine. I was skeptical but bought one. No effect whatsoever. The pressure grew more intense. I went to another doctor. I told him that I know something is there. He laughed it off and told me that I was hypochondriac. I insisted. Finally he said he would order a cat scan to "humor" me. I went. When it came back he called me into his office. I went. He rather sheepishly told me that there was indeed something in my ear and it was big. An Acoustic Neuroma, aka a Vestibular Swanomma. He looked very embarrassed. I later found out that he quit medical practice.

Meanwhile my daughter moved out. She's been indifferent to me too. Got tired of the issue. I understand. Before I would have too.

I was sent to a university for them to remove the acoustic neuroma. Keep in mind my sense of panic was through the roof by this time. I read something much earlier about psilocybin in science magazines. It said one dose can make you happy for life. Man, I wanted that! I had the interview with the doctor where I asked him if he could prescribe that as an after surgery medication. He said he was not about to prescribe it to me. Said my brain had been through enough. Said I could find another doctor if I want. I said no.

I had the surgery. He removed all of it according to another doctor who says he was there. The tinitius, though, remained, along with another malady which took over that resulted from the surgery. Synkinesis. That's where the face becomes numb and very tight. On top of that there is a feeling of just weirdness to my tongue and lips.

It's good that he removed the acoustic neuroma but the thing is that since then I've had mind-numbingly terrible depression. Black depression. I thought I was at the bottom before but after surgery, WOW, my depression, loneliness and boredom became 3 to 5 time worse. Must be something in the AN that he removed. I contacted a psychiatric doctor and he prescribed 11 different medications, none of which worked. Don't know if Ketamine would have worked. I tried it in 2 doses of Spravato and 1 infusion but it was so expensive (Medicare doesn't cover it) that I couldn't continue. So I've endured. I tried to live as normally as I could, hoping that with time it would improve. And it did some. I even took a job as a food from restaurant to home delivery person (a really bad gig, but it's all I can find) that I've made many thousands of deliveries for, for a company I won't mention. I've put in many many regular applications on Indeed, but truthfully the thought of working for a place that loudly pumps the decades old rock or country music is so off-putting that I don't know if I could stand it. Who wants to hear Rod Stewart or Kim Carnes for the millionth time.

My wife finally divorced me.

So now here I am. Alone. A complainer. Absolutely alone. I was feeling pretty lonely so I bought a puppy. She's probably my only reason for existence. She can be quite irritating but I am loathe to get angry at the only thing in the world that really loves me. My rent is very high so I've been trying to find a house, but for my budget the only thing I can find are junkers or places thousands of miles back east. So it looks like I will have to work until I die.

I often ask myself why my life has been like this. Is it all a test? Did I bring it all on myself by thinking negatively? I'm really trying to be positive. I've always been polite to everyone. Respectful. Tried to do the right thing (but have made sooo many mistakes along the way that I think of all the time). Pay my bills. I have a hard time believing in God. I have a skepticism that I can't seem to shake. Anyway, It's been more than 7 years since the surgery and I'm still here.

But still, I feel that I have down deep one, tiny, flame, like a candle, that has so far refused to give up.

Click to expand...

I hope you find a home here where you can open up and discuss what nags at you. I, too, have mysterious hearing issues, but at least tumors have been ruled out. I went to 3 ENTs before I found one who cared at all. She can't find a cause of my loss, but she has put tubes into my ears to relieve pressure and drain fluid. As soon as the tubes are out, the fluid returns, and I am scheduled for more permanent tube insertion later this month or next. Sorry to hear of your marriage collapse. Perhaps some type of counselling could help your darkness.

Don Alaska said:

I hope you find a home here where you can open up and discuss what nags at you. I, too, have mysterious hearing issues, but at least tumors have been ruled out. I went to 3 ENTs before I found one who cared at all. She can't find a cause of my loss, but she has put tubes into my ears to relieve pressure and drain fluid. As soon as the tubes are out, the fluid returns, and I am scheduled for more permanent tube insertion later this month or next. Sorry to hear of your marriage collapse. Perhaps some type of counselling could help your darkness.

Click to expand...

Thanks Don for not judging. Getting old isn't fun for many of us. I see all those ads of laughing, happy old people and wonder what happened? I feel embarrassed now but I felt better after writing all of that yesterday. I don't know why some people get into medical practice if they don't care. I look forward to a future of medical doctors that are AI robots. Sooo much better than people I suspect. I know there are so many things that people have contracted in life but maybe because I came from such a healthy background this has felt like the worst thing that could ever happen to anyone. It was like an auto accident. I finally found a doctor who treats Synkinesis and takes insurance who can treat the tightness on the right side of my face but he wants me to have another MRI first to make sure it hasn't grown back. Hesitant about that.

I thought your condition might be something I heard of before but I looked up the symptoms and they don't match. It is truly hard having pressure in your ears, and you're going through it over and over, but I'm glad tumors have been ruled out. I truly wish you the best.

Aelurodon said:

This is a long story. Don't read if you are only going to chastise me or conversely give me "I care" sympathy . If you don't want to be depressed. If you're going to tell me to call 911, immediately! I don't know what I expect. Maybe just to get this off my chest.

But still, I feel that I have down deep one, tiny, flame, like a candle, that has so far refused to give up.

Click to expand...

Well, with that opening , you can bet your sweet ass I won't be giving you any "I care" sympathy. In fact I don't give a fat pack rats furry tail about your Swanomma. It has been removed, so you are one of the lucky ones. Hearing loss and tinnitus, come on man you are gonna have to do better than that to get an "I care" from me.

It would be nice to address you by a first name, which doesn't have to be your real name, but since that is lacking, I will just say hi. I have had vestibular disorder for over 20 years. I used to administer a Vestibular Forum, so that and also participating in vestibular research, I am very acquainted with a vestibular Swanomma or acoustic neuroma. Two in my old group had the surgery with great success.

The thing is there are other vestibular disorders that no surgery or treatment will cure. I have two of them, a weakness for opening a Perilymph Fistula (closed since 2013) and a damaged endolymph sac that during endolymph fluid surges can cause a neuro toxic mixture resulting in symptoms described by Dr. Prosper Meniere in 1850 or so. IE full blown Endolymphatic Hydrops as seen in Meniere syndrome. Some call it Meniere's Disease, which should be Meniere's Syndrome to be correct.

Once out of bed after a three years stint, I had to learn to walk again. I had to address many other problems from being in bed for three years. I was lucky to be associated with vestibular research funded by NASA, so I had benefit of two great neuro-otologist and also rehab and the latest procedures for infusing the inner ear. I also had a great PCP that took an interest and helped me get all the care available.

The mental aspect of having a vestibular disorder and things like hearing loss, tinnitus, vertigo, vomiting, daily dizziness, and imbalance is very difficult to deal with. The battle against negativity and feeling sorry for yourself, is easily lost when ones head hurts and will never be normal again. We are all different so no advise from me. I overcame the depressing mental aspect of what I lost, by fighting the battle to find a new life I could live and find happiness.

I lost my independence in my early 50s. no flying, no trains, no boats, no big altitude changes or long trips in autos. Basically homebound. I can only drive in safe places with little traffic. Since I have lived alone most of my adult life, I didn't have to deal with family leaving me., which is common after folks suffer serious vestibular disorders. It is a personal choice whether to be a complainer or take on the challenges of having a more constructive and enjoyable life. I might mention that I have dealt with cancer twice and probably will live in the shadow of cancer trying to catch me for the rest of my life. I still try to stay focused on the enjoyable things in life. I am 75 and life is too short for me to waste it whining and crying the blues over things no one else really cares about and nothing can be done to change it.

The trouble with a pity party, is usually only one attends. My dad used to stay a pity party is like spitting in the wind.

Faye Fox said:

Well, with that opening , you can bet your sweet ass I won't be giving you any "I care" sympathy. In fact I don't give a fat pack rats furry tail about your Swanomma. It has been removed, so you are one of the lucky ones. Hearing loss and tinnitus, come on man you are gonna have to do better than that to get an "I care" from me.

It would be nice to address you by a first name, which doesn't have to be your real name, but since that is lacking, I will just say hi. I have had vestibular disorder for over 20 years. I used to administer a Vestibular Forum, so that and also participating in vestibular research, I am very acquainted with a vestibular Swanomma or acoustic neuroma. Two in my old group had the surgery with great success.

The thing is there are other vestibular disorders that no surgery or treatment will cure. I have two of them, a weakness for opening a Perilymph Fistula (closed since 2013) and a damaged endolymph sac that during endolymph fluid surges can cause a neuro toxic mixture resulting in symptoms described by Dr. Prosper Meniere in 1850 or so. IE full blown Endolymphatic Hydrops as seen in Meniere syndrome. Some call it Meniere's Disease, which should be Meniere's Syndrome to be correct.

Once out of bed after a three years stint, I had to learn to walk again. I had to address many other problems from being in bed for three years. I was lucky to be associated with vestibular research funded by NASA, so I had benefit of two great neuro-otologist and also rehab and the latest procedures for infusing the inner ear. I also had a great PCP that took an interest and helped me get all the care available.

The mental aspect of having a vestibular disorder and things like hearing loss, tinnitus, vertigo, vomiting, daily dizziness, and imbalance is very difficult to deal with. The battle against negativity and feeling sorry for yourself, is easily lost when ones head hurts and will never be normal again. We are all different so no advise from me. I overcame the depressing mental aspect of what I lost, by fighting the battle to find a new life I could live and find happiness.

I lost my independence in my early 50s. no flying, no trains, no boats, no big altitude changes or long trips in autos. Basically homebound. I can only drive in safe places with little traffic. Since I have lived alone most of my adult life, I didn't have to deal with family leaving me., which is common after folks suffer serious vestibular disorders. It is a personal choice whether to be a complainer or take on the challenges of having a more constructive and enjoyable life. I might mention that I have dealt with cancer twice and probably will live in the shadow of cancer trying to catch me for the rest of my life. I still try to stay focused on the enjoyable things in life. I am 75 and life is too short for me to waste it whining and crying the blues over things no one else really cares about and nothing can be done to change it.

The trouble with a pity party, is usually only one attends. My dad used to stay a pity party is like spitting in the wind.

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Can't get more straightforward than that , tough love can work at times , let's hope it works this time , well said Faye .

Aelurodon. I have always appreciated Faye Fox's knowledge and ability to shoot truthfully from the hip. Hopefully, your introduction shows that you can too.
This is a SENIOR forum and I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you. We all have our issues considering our age and lives and have mostly become online 'friends' over the years.
I am sorry about your losses. But I am happy that your surgery was a success. The medical community has devolved in a lot of areas for many reasons. We have all had to seek actual care and it isn't always easy.
Things have changed in my marriage too as we aged. We don't go dancing any more. Dancing? we can barely walk but even though he is not interested in my farm he has a small group he goes to brunch with. It started as a group of old bulls and has dwindled to a few men through deaths. The first death hit him very hard. I recommended he seek more to join what was left of his group but that was not as successful as I'd hoped. The warmer weather usually brings him out to do a few chores. Fewer recently with health issues but he tries.
I am actually pleased with your small flame. You don't have to build it to a bon fire. But you can use it to light your way to new things. I myself am a grumpy introvert but looked to join things past my interest in my animals which I love and am also irritated by on occasion
I found a small church that I held back on for a while, just attended services. Then their Bible study. They put out a list of things they could use volunteers for and decided I could at least be a greeter/usher. I have found it is good to try a new thing even if I am old. Not a lot of stressful things. Just small things.
It is ok that you haven't found a way, yet, to believe that God is with you at all times and that Jesus died to take all of your punishment for your sins if you accept his grace. He is always there for you to talk to.

My mom used to say we didn't have to eat it, we just had to taste it. Sometimes we liked it.

Mary Stetler said:

Aelurodon. I have always appreciated Faye Fox's knowledge and ability to shoot truthfully from the hip. Hopefully, your introduction shows that you can too.
This is a SENIOR forum and I'd like to extend a warm welcome to you. We all have our issues considering our age and lives and have mostly become online 'friends' over the years.
I am sorry about your losses. But I am happy that your surgery was a success. The medical community has devolved in a lot of areas for many reasons. We have all had to seek actual care and it isn't always easy.
Things have changed in my marriage too as we aged. We don't go dancing any more. Dancing? we can barely walk but even though he is not interested in my farm he has a small group he goes to brunch with. It started as a group of old bulls and has dwindled to a few men through deaths. The first death hit him very hard. I recommended he seek more to join what was left of his group but that was not as successful as I'd hoped. The warmer weather usually brings him out to do a few chores. Fewer recently with health issues but he tries.
I am actually pleased with your small flame. You don't have to build it to a bon fire. But you can use it to light your way to new things. I myself am a grumpy introvert but looked to join things past my interest in my animals which I love and am also irritated by on occasion
I found a small church that I held back on for a while, just attended services. Then their Bible study. They put out a list of things they could use volunteers for and decided I could at least be a greeter/usher. I have found it is good to try a new thing even if I am old. Not a lot of stressful things. Just small things.
It is ok that you haven't found a way, yet, to believe that God is with you at all times and that Jesus died to take all of your punishment for your sins if you accept his grace. He is always there for you to talk to.

My mom used to say we didn't have to eat it, we just had to taste it. Sometimes we liked it.

Click to expand...

Thanks Mary. Your words of kindness made me feel a bit better. I am glad that you are still with your husband. Treasure that. We were married for about 25 years and together for more years than that. The divorce just came at a bad time for me. I guess she became a part of my psyche. Couldn't imagine that we wouldn't always be together. This was my first and only marriage.

I used to go to church. Was a big believer for many years. But a few things (much prior to the AN) and my questioning nature anyway made me question that. Can't imagine going back. Not saying I'm right though. I'm agnostic, not atheist. Been reading about NDEs. Hope they're right (about the good parts).

The size changed by the doctors description and eventually became near 5 cm. Pretty big. He warned me that if there is any Alzheimers in my family I could get it when he removes it. Strange warning. It was all over my brain rather than the localized you usually see online. That might be because shortly before things got bad I slammed my head twice in a row very very hard on concrete. Wonder if I broke it and he had to suck it up from all over my brain. Anyway, they removed overnight what took maybe 20 years to grow, according to them. I could barely think for about 5 years after that. Still have mysterious memory issues. Had to practice talking and writing and walking. Still do. Always had that sense of panic though. I don't know why. Fear. Maybe from all the hellfire sermons I used to hear as a kid. Or maybe it was just a "pity party" as somebody upthread says. Just the way it affected me. They say it's different for everyone. Part of it was worry about paying the bills. We had always split them before this. Part was sadness about the loss. Didn't want my kid to come from a "broken" household. Part that I had to navigate this on my own. That person can rest assured that I have and am trying everything I can to get back to normal. Have since the beginning. I have a strange urging to accomplish things. Have to be always active. I used to tell my kid that if you put your life in something, believe it, it's like boating out in the ocean. No matter how much you trust it, always leave a tiny part of yourself out. Have a rope nearby to pull yourself back to shore if your boat sinks. Guess I was talking to myself.

I'm taking two medications. Got a huge bill for them yesterday. I never used to take any form of medication before this. Vowed I never would. Lived my life to remain as healthy as possible.

Funny. When I was a kid I once heard a white haired old lady who was our babysitter say when I asked her something like what was the worst part about getting old say 'all the aches and pains'.

After reading that person's response I was embarrassed and looked for how to delete my post but couldn't see any way to.

Aelurodon said:

Thanks Mary. Your words of kindness made me feel a bit better. I am glad that you are still with your husband. Treasure that. We were married for about 25 years and together for more years than that. The divorce just came at a bad time for me. I guess she became a part of my psyche. Couldn't imagine that we wouldn't always be together. This was my first and only marriage.

I used to go to church. Was a big believer for many years. But a few things (much prior to the AN) and my questioning nature anyway made me question that. Can't imagine going back. Not saying I'm right though. I'm agnostic, not atheist. Been reading about NDEs. Hope they're right (about the good parts).

The size changed by the doctors description and eventually became near 5 cm. Pretty big. He warned me that if there is any Alzheimers in my family I could get it when he removes it. Strange warning. It was all over my brain rather than the localized you usually see online. That might be because shortly before things got bad I slammed my head twice in a row very very hard on concrete. Wonder if I broke it and he had to suck it up from all over my brain. Anyway, they removed overnight what took maybe 20 years to grow, according to them. I could barely think for about 5 years after that. Still have mysterious memory issues. Had to practice talking and writing and walking. Still do. Always had that sense of panic though. I don't know why. Fear. Maybe from all the hellfire sermons I used to hear as a kid. Or maybe it was just a "pity party" as somebody upthread says. Just the way it affected me. They say it's different for everyone. Part of it was worry about paying the bills. We had always split them before this. Part was sadness about the loss. Didn't want my kid to come from a "broken" household. Part that I had to navigate this on my own. That person can rest assured that I have and am trying everything I can to get back to normal. Have since the beginning. I have a strange urging to accomplish things. Have to be always active. I used to tell my kid that if you put your life in something, believe it, it's like boating out in the ocean. No matter how much you trust it, always leave a tiny part of yourself out. Have a rope nearby to pull yourself back to shore if your boat sinks. Guess I was talking to myself.

I'm taking two medications. Got a huge bill for them yesterday. I never used to take any form of medication before this. Vowed I never would. Lived my life to remain as healthy as possible.

Funny. When I was a kid I once heard a white haired old lady who was our babysitter say when I asked her something like what was the worst part about getting old say 'all the aches and pains'.

After reading that person's response I was embarrassed and looked for how to delete my post but couldn't see any way to.

Click to expand...

I am kind glad you didn't delete. You were truthful and the rest of us could feel your situation.
I fell away from 'church'. Might tell about it sometime. But the new Covenant of Christ is love not the old Law. If you think about it, loving God with your whole mind, soul and strength and your neighbor as yourself, as Jesus taught, would solve the world's problems. Sadly people are replacing the need for God with technology. Taking their phone everywhere and leaving God behind will not end well.
I don't 'do' doctors. I am not on medications. I told hubby to dig a hole and put me in the mulch pile if things end. But he had some health issues that when he finally came to me that I could not fix. Now he is in the medical industrial complex because they found other issues they could prescribe for.
One medication is very expensive. But so are my multitude of supplements.
Not sure there actually IS a 'normal'. Only commercials with smiling older people trying to sell us stuff with a long list of negatives including death at the end.
Walk around and see things that can make YOU smile. The beauty in the clouds in the blue sky, the flowers of spring, the antics of your pup, the air in a DEEP breath...
Do you have any hobbies? Do you 'garden'? Cook? Hike now?...You can add here to a multitude of topics or start one of your own we can discuss. We even have pet peeves.
We definitely have places for concerns so feel free. You may find answers or just have a good time.

Aelurodon said:

Thanks Mary. Your words of kindness made me feel a bit better. I am glad that you are still with your husband. Treasure that. We were married for about 25 years and together for more years than that. The divorce just came at a bad time for me. I guess she became a part of my psyche. Couldn't imagine that we wouldn't always be together. This was my first and only marriage.

I used to go to church. Was a big believer for many years. But a few things (much prior to the AN) and my questioning nature anyway made me question that. Can't imagine going back. Not saying I'm right though. I'm agnostic, not atheist. Been reading about NDEs. Hope they're right (about the good parts).

The size changed by the doctors description and eventually became near 5 cm. Pretty big. He warned me that if there is any Alzheimers in my family I could get it when he removes it. Strange warning. It was all over my brain rather than the localized you usually see online. That might be because shortly before things got bad I slammed my head twice in a row very very hard on concrete. Wonder if I broke it and he had to suck it up from all over my brain. Anyway, they removed overnight what took maybe 20 years to grow, according to them. I could barely think for about 5 years after that. Still have mysterious memory issues. Had to practice talking and writing and walking. Still do. Always had that sense of panic though. I don't know why. Fear. Maybe from all the hellfire sermons I used to hear as a kid. Or maybe it was just a "pity party" as somebody upthread says. Just the way it affected me. They say it's different for everyone. Part of it was worry about paying the bills. We had always split them before this. Part was sadness about the loss. Didn't want my kid to come from a "broken" household. Part that I had to navigate this on my own. That person can rest assured that I have and am trying everything I can to get back to normal. Have since the beginning. I have a strange urging to accomplish things. Have to be always active. I used to tell my kid that if you put your life in something, believe it, it's like boating out in the ocean. No matter how much you trust it, always leave a tiny part of yourself out. Have a rope nearby to pull yourself back to shore if your boat sinks. Guess I was talking to myself.

I'm taking two medications. Got a huge bill for them yesterday. I never used to take any form of medication before this. Vowed I never would. Lived my life to remain as healthy as possible.

Funny. When I was a kid I once heard a white haired old lady who was our babysitter say when I asked her something like what was the worst part about getting old say 'all the aches and pains'.

After reading that person's response I was embarrassed and looked for how to delete my post but couldn't see any way to.

Click to expand...

You are on Medicare? Who do you use for Part C and D?