Aelurodon
New member
This is a long story. Don't read if you are only going to chastise me or conversely give me "I care" sympathy 
. If you don't want to be depressed. If you're going to tell me to call 911, immediately! I don't know what I expect. Maybe just to get this off my chest.
Everything changed when I turned 60. I'm 67 now. Before I was very active and healthy. I healed up from everything overnight. But I noticed that I was going deaf in one ear in 2010 and a ringing was starting. January 1, 2011 the hearing in that ear was gone and I was getting tinnitus 24/7. One day I was reading in a cushioned rocker in my house. I was eating Nestle's Toll House Morsels out of a bag. Suddenly a very frightening thing happened. The room started to spin about wildly. I went and made my way to my bed and closed my eyes. Finally I looked in my eyes in the mirror. Slowly the spinning stopped. The next day, to test it I ate some more. Maybe 15 to 30 minutes later the room started to spin again. I haven't knowingly ate anyhing from that company again. I also avoided chocolate for years. The tinnitus I got used to, mostly, with time.
I was married and we had a daughter. I was mostly tasked with raising her as my wife worked more then I did. She worked for the Post Office, which job she utterly hated. They use and abuse then spit out their employees and get new ones. It's a scandal. Anyway, I did the job of raising my daugther for 18 years, trying to give her the best life I could. We traveled everywhere and had a great time. She was my best friend.
For awhile my wife, before my daughter was born, used to do things like hold my arm when we were walking and I treasured that. She would go hiking with me and we went to lots of remote places. She would go with me wherever I wanted to move. As someone who grew up in a family where no one cared (and much worse than that) except my brother, that was unheard of. I loved her for it. Told her I would always love her. She told me that nothing lasts forever. But she gave me a chance.
Slowly that changed. She grew more indifferent. I grew silently angry. Well I criticized her indifference sometimes. It really hurt. That's a no no because she was all about saving face. Hated it whenever anyone said anything bad about her. Eventually she became quite indifferent to me. Stopped hiking with me. I couldn't even get her out of her chair looking at her computer if I needed some help doing something. That was for years. I understand though as I wasn't the easiest person to like, I guess. I don't mean that I ever hit, yelled at or abused her. Of course not. I considered her as equal to me. Respected her opinions about everything. Bought her things and did all kinds of things for her. But she remained indifferent. What I mean is that I'm a very private person. So is my brother. We're introverted. A result of our upbringing. I won't get into it.
But I had problems with neighbors. I don't know why but when people detect that you want to be left alone to live your life with your family in privacy they get nosy. Even ridiculously nosy sometimes. I had one neighbor looking quietly around then right in my windows. Another that ran away from a sensor light I installed when it came on at night. The worst was a guy who used to get on top of the fence or on top of his roof and look obviously in our windows. He said, "What can I say? I'm a curious guy". He also said, "What are you doing over there, growing marijuana?", "What do you need so much privacy for? If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear". I was mad enough to bust. But my wife avoids conflicts at all costs. Never "saw" anything. We moved.
One night many years into our marriage I was again criticizing her indifference to my brother on the phone. I was loud enough for her to hear. She said something then that made me so sooo regret that I ever said anything. She said "I want a divorce". My world crumbled. I loaded all her stuff into a moving van at night so the neighbors wouldn't see. I felt such loss as I did it while she slept. Such pain. She moved. For financial reasons we stayed married.
As I said, I had tinnitus in one ear. When it first started I went to an ENT to find out what was going on. She was totally uninterested. Did some routine tests. I asked, "Could it be a tumor?" She said maybe. I left. I thought of a question though on exiting. I asked the secretary if I could ask her one more question. She said that will cost another $200. I couldn't afford it. I wasn't feeling bad otherwise so I left her practice never to return.
At 60 it all came to a head. I felt something in my right ear. Intense pressure. It was on the inside of my eardrum. I had a strong sense of panic. I went to one doctor, the only one I could afford from a list the insurance company had. An Indian guy (not Native American). He was so drowsy his family were holding his hand. All the employees were his family I think. He told me confidently that all I needed was an antihistamine. I was skeptical but bought one. No effect whatsoever. The pressure grew more intense. I went to another doctor. I told him that I know something is there. He laughed it off and told me that I was hypochondriac. I insisted. Finally he said he would order a cat scan to "humor" me. I went. When it came back he called me into his office. I went. He rather sheepishly told me that there was indeed something in my ear and it was big. Pressing on my brainstem. An Acoustic Neuroma, aka a Vestibular Swanomma. He looked very embarrassed. I later found out that he quit medical practice.
Meanwhile my daughter moved out. She's been indifferent to me too. Got tired of the issue. I understand. Before I would have too.
I was sent to a university for them to remove the acoustic neuroma. They said I would die without surgery. Keep in mind my sense of panic was through the roof by this time. I read something much earlier about psilocybin in science magazines. It said one dose can make you happy for life. Man, I wanted that! I had the interview with the doctor where I asked him if he could prescribe that as an after surgery medication. He said he was not about to prescribe it to me. Said my brain had been through enough. Said I could find another doctor if I want. I said no.
I had the surgery. He removed all of it according to another doctor who says he was there. The tinitius, though, remained, along with another malady which took over that resulted from the surgery. Synkinesis. That's where the face becomes numb and very tight. On top of that there is a feeling of just weirdness to my tongue and lips. The tightness also pulls on my eye, forcing it somewhat out of shape. So it gets dry which I'm constantly rubbling my eye for. It also gets unfocussed. I went into the surgery with 20/20 vision.
It's good that he removed the acoustic neuroma but the thing is that since then I've had mind-numbingly terrible depression. Black depression. I thought I was at the bottom before but after surgery, WOW, my depression, loneliness and boredom became 3 to 5 time worse. Must be something in the AN that he removed. I contacted a psychiatric doctor and he prescribed 11 different medications, none of which worked. Don't know if Ketamine would have worked. I tried it in 2 doses of Spravato and 1 infusion but it was so expensive (Medicare doesn't cover it) that I couldn't continue. So I've endured. I tried to live as normally as I could, hoping that with time it would improve. And it did some. I even took a job as a food from restaurant to home delivery person (a really bad gig, but it's all I can find) that I've made many thousands of deliveries for, for a company I won't mention. I've put in many many regular applications on Indeed, but truthfully the thought of working for a place that loudly pumps the decades old rock or country music is so off-putting that I don't know if I could stand it. Who wants to hear Rod Stewart or Kim Carnes for the millionth time.
My wife finally divorced me.
So now here I am. Alone. A complainer. Absolutely alone. I was feeling pretty lonely so I bought a puppy. She's probably my only reason for existence. She can be quite irritating but I am loathe to get angry at the only thing in the world that really loves me. My rent is very high so I've been trying to find a house, but for my budget the only thing I can find are junkers or places thousands of miles back east. So it looks like I will have to work until I die.
I often ask myself why my life has been like this. Is it all a test? Did I bring it all on myself by thinking negatively? I'm really trying to be positive. I've always been polite to everyone. Respectful. Tried to do the right thing (but have made sooo many mistakes along the way that I think of all the time). Pay my bills. I have a hard time believing in God. I have a skepticism that I can't seem to shake. If there is a God I feel like he must not like me. Anyway, It's been more than 7 years since the surgery and I'm still here.
But still, I feel that I have down deep one, tiny, flame, like a candle, that has so far refused to give up.
. If you don't want to be depressed. If you're going to tell me to call 911, immediately! I don't know what I expect. Maybe just to get this off my chest.Everything changed when I turned 60. I'm 67 now. Before I was very active and healthy. I healed up from everything overnight. But I noticed that I was going deaf in one ear in 2010 and a ringing was starting. January 1, 2011 the hearing in that ear was gone and I was getting tinnitus 24/7. One day I was reading in a cushioned rocker in my house. I was eating Nestle's Toll House Morsels out of a bag. Suddenly a very frightening thing happened. The room started to spin about wildly. I went and made my way to my bed and closed my eyes. Finally I looked in my eyes in the mirror. Slowly the spinning stopped. The next day, to test it I ate some more. Maybe 15 to 30 minutes later the room started to spin again. I haven't knowingly ate anyhing from that company again. I also avoided chocolate for years. The tinnitus I got used to, mostly, with time.
I was married and we had a daughter. I was mostly tasked with raising her as my wife worked more then I did. She worked for the Post Office, which job she utterly hated. They use and abuse then spit out their employees and get new ones. It's a scandal. Anyway, I did the job of raising my daugther for 18 years, trying to give her the best life I could. We traveled everywhere and had a great time. She was my best friend.
For awhile my wife, before my daughter was born, used to do things like hold my arm when we were walking and I treasured that. She would go hiking with me and we went to lots of remote places. She would go with me wherever I wanted to move. As someone who grew up in a family where no one cared (and much worse than that) except my brother, that was unheard of. I loved her for it. Told her I would always love her. She told me that nothing lasts forever. But she gave me a chance.
Slowly that changed. She grew more indifferent. I grew silently angry. Well I criticized her indifference sometimes. It really hurt. That's a no no because she was all about saving face. Hated it whenever anyone said anything bad about her. Eventually she became quite indifferent to me. Stopped hiking with me. I couldn't even get her out of her chair looking at her computer if I needed some help doing something. That was for years. I understand though as I wasn't the easiest person to like, I guess. I don't mean that I ever hit, yelled at or abused her. Of course not. I considered her as equal to me. Respected her opinions about everything. Bought her things and did all kinds of things for her. But she remained indifferent. What I mean is that I'm a very private person. So is my brother. We're introverted. A result of our upbringing. I won't get into it.
But I had problems with neighbors. I don't know why but when people detect that you want to be left alone to live your life with your family in privacy they get nosy. Even ridiculously nosy sometimes. I had one neighbor looking quietly around then right in my windows. Another that ran away from a sensor light I installed when it came on at night. The worst was a guy who used to get on top of the fence or on top of his roof and look obviously in our windows. He said, "What can I say? I'm a curious guy". He also said, "What are you doing over there, growing marijuana?", "What do you need so much privacy for? If you have nothing to hide you have nothing to fear". I was mad enough to bust. But my wife avoids conflicts at all costs. Never "saw" anything. We moved.
One night many years into our marriage I was again criticizing her indifference to my brother on the phone. I was loud enough for her to hear. She said something then that made me so sooo regret that I ever said anything. She said "I want a divorce". My world crumbled. I loaded all her stuff into a moving van at night so the neighbors wouldn't see. I felt such loss as I did it while she slept. Such pain. She moved. For financial reasons we stayed married.
As I said, I had tinnitus in one ear. When it first started I went to an ENT to find out what was going on. She was totally uninterested. Did some routine tests. I asked, "Could it be a tumor?" She said maybe. I left. I thought of a question though on exiting. I asked the secretary if I could ask her one more question. She said that will cost another $200. I couldn't afford it. I wasn't feeling bad otherwise so I left her practice never to return.
At 60 it all came to a head. I felt something in my right ear. Intense pressure. It was on the inside of my eardrum. I had a strong sense of panic. I went to one doctor, the only one I could afford from a list the insurance company had. An Indian guy (not Native American). He was so drowsy his family were holding his hand. All the employees were his family I think. He told me confidently that all I needed was an antihistamine. I was skeptical but bought one. No effect whatsoever. The pressure grew more intense. I went to another doctor. I told him that I know something is there. He laughed it off and told me that I was hypochondriac. I insisted. Finally he said he would order a cat scan to "humor" me. I went. When it came back he called me into his office. I went. He rather sheepishly told me that there was indeed something in my ear and it was big. Pressing on my brainstem. An Acoustic Neuroma, aka a Vestibular Swanomma. He looked very embarrassed. I later found out that he quit medical practice.
Meanwhile my daughter moved out. She's been indifferent to me too. Got tired of the issue. I understand. Before I would have too.
I was sent to a university for them to remove the acoustic neuroma. They said I would die without surgery. Keep in mind my sense of panic was through the roof by this time. I read something much earlier about psilocybin in science magazines. It said one dose can make you happy for life. Man, I wanted that! I had the interview with the doctor where I asked him if he could prescribe that as an after surgery medication. He said he was not about to prescribe it to me. Said my brain had been through enough. Said I could find another doctor if I want. I said no.
I had the surgery. He removed all of it according to another doctor who says he was there. The tinitius, though, remained, along with another malady which took over that resulted from the surgery. Synkinesis. That's where the face becomes numb and very tight. On top of that there is a feeling of just weirdness to my tongue and lips. The tightness also pulls on my eye, forcing it somewhat out of shape. So it gets dry which I'm constantly rubbling my eye for. It also gets unfocussed. I went into the surgery with 20/20 vision.
It's good that he removed the acoustic neuroma but the thing is that since then I've had mind-numbingly terrible depression. Black depression. I thought I was at the bottom before but after surgery, WOW, my depression, loneliness and boredom became 3 to 5 time worse. Must be something in the AN that he removed. I contacted a psychiatric doctor and he prescribed 11 different medications, none of which worked. Don't know if Ketamine would have worked. I tried it in 2 doses of Spravato and 1 infusion but it was so expensive (Medicare doesn't cover it) that I couldn't continue. So I've endured. I tried to live as normally as I could, hoping that with time it would improve. And it did some. I even took a job as a food from restaurant to home delivery person (a really bad gig, but it's all I can find) that I've made many thousands of deliveries for, for a company I won't mention. I've put in many many regular applications on Indeed, but truthfully the thought of working for a place that loudly pumps the decades old rock or country music is so off-putting that I don't know if I could stand it. Who wants to hear Rod Stewart or Kim Carnes for the millionth time.
My wife finally divorced me.
So now here I am. Alone. A complainer. Absolutely alone. I was feeling pretty lonely so I bought a puppy. She's probably my only reason for existence. She can be quite irritating but I am loathe to get angry at the only thing in the world that really loves me. My rent is very high so I've been trying to find a house, but for my budget the only thing I can find are junkers or places thousands of miles back east. So it looks like I will have to work until I die.
I often ask myself why my life has been like this. Is it all a test? Did I bring it all on myself by thinking negatively? I'm really trying to be positive. I've always been polite to everyone. Respectful. Tried to do the right thing (but have made sooo many mistakes along the way that I think of all the time). Pay my bills. I have a hard time believing in God. I have a skepticism that I can't seem to shake. If there is a God I feel like he must not like me. Anyway, It's been more than 7 years since the surgery and I'm still here.
But still, I feel that I have down deep one, tiny, flame, like a candle, that has so far refused to give up.
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. If you don't want to be depressed. If you're going to tell me to call 911, immediately! I don't know what I expect. Maybe just to get this off my chest.