There is no steady eloquence for words to explain grief. Loss or death of a loved one. This is most difficult to grapple with. My Dad passed away last year, and I miss him so. Adult children making self-defeating choices deviating from truth-- we know aren't the right choices to help them go through-- only to complicate matters more in the end. During the hard truth of the moment of grief as parents-- we fall on unsearchable answers for questions, "Where have I gone wrong?" "I wish I hadn't... I wish I had..." We grab hold of tangible and the invincible to make up for our grief. As time and hope move us, we could better see ourselves and the world around us. And with that light, we would need to walk that path of trust and living one day at a time. I think that’s how I am seeing through the direction I am heading. I can go by with rethinking-- without forcing some answers I don’t understand at the moment, I’m not going to breakdown, but break through it all.
I am a conservative person and very religious too so you cannot expect me to question God (in principle). However, when my father had contracted liver cancer, I couldn't come to terms with the thought that he had only 6 months to live. I was a new employee that time and already earning for myself. My father was a good provider for his family and very generous with other people. In short, my father is loved by his family. I felt like broken and it's a good thing that I had a job so at least my focus is taken away from my father's disease. And as days passed, my father started losing weight and his tummy began to bulge. That physical change affected the demeanor of a once vibrant man. It was really too difficult for me to see him in that condition. And when he was brought to the hospital for his last days, he was almost skin and bones and his face has no trace of his former image. The grief was too much, I guess.
It's not questions that I ask God when a loved one passes I pray for strength and wisdom plus comfort. There are many of my loved ones that passed in the past 7 years that it strains me. My Mom is not as healthy as she wants to be, so I worry a lot! So I pray and give the problem to God in the name of Jesus to solve or I'll get sick worrying about it for I'm single too. I get so frightened at times for I'm alone with no siblings and Dad is gone already too. I pray so much and I get much comfort and help. God help us all and Guardian Angles comfort us in our need. Amen.