Not Attending Family Member Funeral

First, wife and I were unable to attend her mom's funeral in So Calif. a few years ago. Finances were the main reason, but wife had started a new job as well. My wife's brother didn't attend as well, again, due to finances. We did send flowers though. My wife's older sister wasn't too happy that we couldn't fly in and attend, but we just couldn't do it. She got over it. Anyway, both wife's brother and us live in Florida.

Now it looks like the same thing will happen when wife's sister's husband passes on. His health is deteriorating pretty fast and he is now in a Assisted Living Home. Talked to wife's sister last night and she states that he is in really bad shape and seems like he's ready to die. He's been having heart and other health problems from the last few years. Again, we just won't have the finances to fly there and wife started a new job the beginning of last month. And, most likely, wife's brother won't go either.

Now, I do remember what my last Supervisor/Director told me about his family that lived in So Calif. and he lived in Denver, CO: He told me that his sister called him the previous weekend and asked him if he was going to make it to So Calif. for a family wedding. He told her, "I just can't drop whatever I'm doing to fly out there for every event that happens. I have a responsible job where I'm at." I had to agree with him and he made much more money than I did.

It can be extremely hard to save money/have an Emergency Fund going for anything that could happen in the family when you live States away.

Your Thoughts?

 

Yes, it's hard if you can't go somewhere because of financial reasons. However I have a family that understands that, so they always pay my way wherever.

It wouldn't upset me if someone didn't come to a wedding or a funeral because they didn't have the money for it.

 

I agree with Chrissy...and yes I absolutely can understand Cody if you just do not have the finances to go to a funeral...but I can totally understand how upset your sister-in-law must be to be going through the horrendous situation where her husband is dying and she feels that her siblings can't be there to support her in her most desperate days of need...at a time when she needs the most support from her family !

There's clearly nothing you can do to change the financial situation, but perhaps you could ask her if she could video the ceremony so you can watch along with her and the rest of the family, and be there in Spirit... albeit perhaps after the fact...in that way she may be calmed by knowing that you all still care about her even tho' you can't physically be there . It's a difficult one for sure!!

 

I have very strong thoughts about this, @Cody Fousnaugh and I suspect they won't be popular thoughts... but it's always been the way I am. Death... funerals... as perky as I usually am, things like that cause extreme anxiety for me. Extreme. The way I feel is that "paying respects" isn't really for the deceased person, but for "show" for the living. My preferred way is to show love and respect when the person is still *alive.*

Oh my, that sounds bad even to me... I never actually put it into words before. It's been a huge anxiety for me many times. I know that people don't understand. And I know that it wouldn't matter to many that I'm sitting there in the middle of severe panic attacks that will keep me down for months... just because I felt forced to attend for "appearance's sake."

Bottom line, when I love, I love without boundaries and without abandon. I prefer letting the *living* person know that.

.... For what it's worth. Like I said, I suspect it's not a popular answer. I haven't read your other replies yet, but will now... maybe I'll be surprised.

 

It's understand totally what you're saying @Mari North , funerals are a time of high anxiety , particularly the deceaseds' immediate family, and not everyone can face them. My own niece was killed aged 15 in a road accident, by then my sisters' only child of 3 live births ....my sister attended the funeral (the second of her children to be cremated) but couldn't look at her daughter in the casket..I did that instead while she sat in the other room, and went in and spoke to my niece lying in the chapel and stroked her hair and told her she was loved and her mum couldn't see her like this!
My Brother-in-law, was sooo distraught at losing his only child, he couldn't even go to the funeral..he was in complete denial. it wasn't real for him, at all....

The church was packed to overflowing...but the dad she adored and who adored her back...just was unable to be there, ..I think if he had been he might have dropped dead himself with a broken heart

 

@Cody Fousnaugh , funerals are not like they were 50, 60 years ago. Most families lived in closer proximity back then. I can remember when time off from work was commonly allowed for family and close friends. Today is a totally different story. You can't just throw a few things in the car, and drive for a day to get to much of our families today, even if we could get the time, or had the money.

I have had so many deaths in my close family, but to this day I can't remember who was there or not, and now when I think of it, I still don't care.

You could ask someone to set up a Skype or FaceTime connection with just a tablet, and this might help your SIL feel as if you are a part of things.

I'm sorry for your loss. It can't be easy on you either.

 

Yes... I've known far too many people in life who *were* totally different (became nothing more than a shell) from that point on and wish they'd done things differently. I hope no one gave your brother-in-law grief about his feelings on the matter... he had to grieve in his own way for his beloved daughter.

I also, of course, see the other side of all this... and that is the others could have used his support. I try to see things from all angles, and I know that he could have used theirs, too... some people can deal with this subject and move on... some can't.

I'm so sorry for your loss, @Holly Saunders , no matter how long ago it may have been. Was there any healing at all for your sister and brother-in-law??

 

Thank you mari , sadly no there was no '' outside support' for my sister and b-i-l apart from family on both sides...he had and still has a very tight knit family..and my niece was a very popular girl with lots of friends who were a great comfort to them both...and even to this day ( 20 years on)...her friends' still light candles for her on the ''gone too soon website''..but more tragically was that they (my sister and B-I-L) were divorced and both had new partners, and so they couldn't even comfort or support each other...the wounds from the past had cut too deep...so it was absolutely heartbreaking in the church to have all of her maternal family (ours)...and all her paternal family sitting on opposite sides of the church...( the paternal side took that decision)...heartbreaking that everyone couldn't just come together for the sake of that beautiful 15 year old we all loved.

 

Totally appreciate your post, Holly, but let me add this:
Ever since I've known my SIL and her husband, (16 years now), their marriage has been "rocky". No cheating, but other things. Even their two adult daughters know how their marriage is and how they drifted apart.
Shoot, my SIL even took off her wedding set three years ago. When he started getting sick, he didn't want his wife's help and told her that straight up. So she wouldn't hear his complaining about her messing up the computer, taking trips and whatever, she simply stayed away from home as much as possible. A year or so ago, she helped him move out to his own Assisted Living apartment. It got to costly for him, so she had him to move back into the condo, but he still didn't want any of her help with anything.
Now that he's gone downhill even more, and his doctor told his wife that he has to live somewhere where he can have 24hr. help (which she doesn't want to do and he don't want her help), he's back living in an Assisted Living apt. again.
So, when his health was better, SIL was out running around with her girlfriends and seeing relatives, but now she so very concerned about him....that just doesn't "click" with me! I definitely wish her well, but that's pretty much it. My wife's brother feels the same as I do.
Sorry I got into some of the bad stuff between them, but, have to admit, that does deter my feelings about going to a funeral and seeing her upset. Obviously, she shouldn't be happy that he might be dying, but she sure didn't show she cared that much when he was better. But, then again, it's hard to show someone you care when they don't want that caring.

 

Well heck, I'm not into going to funerals either, whether I have the finances or not! I was living in So Calif. when my step-parents passed away and I couldn't afford to fly back to Indiana for their funerals. In all honesty, I can't remember the last time I did go to a funeral.

 

Just to let you know, both of her adult/married daughters live fairly close to her. When her hubby was feeling descent, and living at her condo (condo in her name, not his), she would go to her one daughter and stay there for a week. I found out that that daughter told her that she could move in if she chose. When I asked her over the phone, "so, if you move in with her, what will he (her husband do)?" She said "he's on his own".
When she, or we, call and talk, I show some support, but not nearly as much as my wife does.

 

Last week, my husband's aunt died. My husband's cousins agreed to go to the wake last Saturday. But a day before, the plan was changed to Sunday which is a blocked day already and my husband couldn't go anymore. To make the story short, my husband just handed his envelope (containing the contribution) to one cousin who would give it to the bereaved family. I told my husband that it's okay not to be in the wake since what's important (in the Filipino tradition) is to sympathize with monetary contribution and not the presence.

 

When your wife's mother passed, your wife had just started a new job. Now, when her BIL is about to pass, she has recently started a new job. Maybe she needs to stop starting new jobs. Every time she does, someone passes away!!! :>)
Please pardon the above remarks. Probably not in good taste when on this subject. Yet, we all get so wrapped up in feeling guilty... or making someone else feel guilty... when we miss attending a funeral. Personally, I really dislike funerals and have not attended many. Have attended those of both my and my wife's parents and grandparents. That's about it. Have seen more tears shed over hard feelings surrounding a death about money and appearances than about losing the loved one.

I also agree with the poster who stated that we just don't live close like we used to. Families are spread across the Country... across the globe. It becomes much more costly and takes more planning than hopping in the car and driving across town. In a number of cases where I've not been able to due to work... or chosen not to... we've arranged visits with the family a month or two after the loss. Much time can be spent reminiscing about life long past without all the crowds and well-wishers around. Those visit allow for substantial and meaningful conversation.

Don't feel bad about not going. Of course, there will be some angst in your heart about not being mindful of your wife's family and arranging a trip. Try to put it aside. If the family actually cares about those left behind, they will understand your financial situation and the timing. If they can't understand, what would you gain by going anyway?

We recently had a jeweler in town killed in an auto accident. He was in his 80's, but was well known throughout the community. His first name was 'Fred'. His obituary started out, "Our Dad always said when he passed on to not write much about him. All he wanted was a simple statement "Fred's Dead". So, we will abide by that and keep this short." They then went through a brief synopsis of his surviving family members and quickly closed with, "In lieu of flowers, vote Republican!" That humor was EXACTLY indicative of the life and personality of this man. It's exactly how he would have wanted it.