Self-Portrait as Mastodon Remains Christina Olson the skull has been punched once twice eleven thousand years later, the paleontologist fits another tusk into the holes & sees what damage the mouth can wreak once upon an epoch, one mastodon bleeds out & another one has a killer toothache mastodon, no one ever told you that a hairy coat hides all the blood or that the head weeps from any hole it sees fit to when your bones are resettled in the flood do not mourn the scattering of jaw from rib & hasn’t the heart always begged free of the tongue when they find what remains of your mouth, smile finally revealed despite the blue effort of glacier mastodon: the words breast + tooth in Greek that was my last kiss my best kiss
The Dinosaur at Old Faithful by: Albert Whipple Hadley A Dinosaur reared to his uttermost height and stiffened his ninety-foot spine; His tail struck an angle of fifty degrees and he leaned on a neighboring pine. "In the name of the dead, what can this be," he said, examining what he had found, Then sniffed at a column of steam as it rose from a curious place in the ground. "By Golly, I've traveled this region for years," said he as he noticed the heat, "But here's a sensation, surprisingly new, and a wonderful place for a seat." "The rank competition for food," he exclaimed, "at the Tropics is fierce to behold; This winter I'll tarry where feeding is good and hang around here when it's cold." Now a Dinosaur's length--say a medium length-- was a matter of ninety-odd feet, Yet he drew his great carcass of eight or ten tons and centered it over the heat. Our scientists tell us this stretchy old beast was blessed with a triplicate brain, For relaying thoughts to his far-away skull where "Brain Number One" did obtain. "Number Two" was ensconsed near the base of his neck to function, should "Number One" fail, While "Brain Number Three" was far down the line near the roots of his 40-foot tail. The art of transmission of thought at that time, was quite elemental and rough; The system was built on the single-track plan; one thought at a time was enough. The Dinosaur soon was asleep at the switch or rather asleep on the whole, Dreaming only regarding the heavenly heat that tickled the depths of his soul. Far down in the primitive crust of the earth, too far to express it in feet, Was a spring of hot water, dependent we know on a source of interior heat. In fact it was a sort of a safety-valve vent of the devil's invention 'twould seem, And the janitor finding a weight on the lid, turned on the full pressure of steam. The Dinosaur's hide, though roughly immune to feelings that humans acquire, Picked up an impression through "Brain Number Three" that part of him must be afire. So out o'er the single-track system they hurried a warning that something was wrong! "We're sitting on something that's damnably hot; please forward this message along!" The warning then slowly meandered its way down the slope of the Dinosaur's spine, But the Grand Central Bureau at "Brain Number One" was lost in a slumber divine. Tradition maintains that an hour elapsed while the devil's steam pressure increased. When suddenly "Brain Number One" got the word and ordered the "sitting" released. The safety valve weighted with eight or ten tons, was a circumstance much to be feared; But nevertheless an explosion occured and the Dinosaur--disappeared! In spite of the bulk of the weighty old cuss and the fact he was triplicate brained, Except a few bones which are still to be found, there scarcely a relic remained. This happened some thousands of years in the past, still since that miraculous hour, "Old Faithful" has lifted its flood to the skies with awful and infinite power. The causes explaining the hourly event no longer are locally sought-- 'Twas only the Dinosaur trying that hour to line up his system of thought. The story, however, is hopelessly mixed, so all that you need to retain, Is the funny old Dinosaur plugging the vent, and the tale of his triplicate brain.
The Dinosaur is the Founder of the Gas Business an anonymous poem He found the Dinosaurs in geology, those lizard-like animals with heads like giraffes. He is strong on mathematics, but he won't tell you when this was, for geology works in epochs and not in years. These Dinosaurs were so large that they could nibble the tops off our Sequoia trees like sage brush. These great reptiles mark the change between the old and new order when shellfish and fish proper, with animals and vegetation of both sea and land, swarmed in countless myriads. These fossils and organic decompositions mark the oil fields of today. The Dinosaur by a vicarious death and after countless dark ages is now shedding light in our homes and cooking our meals. Fuel is but stored-up energy; the light and heat in which the Dinosaurs basked is only now being delivered. Thus the Dinosaur is the founder of the Gas Business. (It is a long wireless transmission.)
I think dinosaurs are kid stuff. You know why? I’ve been to the San Diego zoo, the St Louis zoo, the zoo in Fort Worth and San Antonio. I’ve been to zoos in the north and zoos in the south and haven’t seen a single dinosaur. They are like those black and white bears in China. Do yo think they really exist?
What To Do With A Dinosaur This morning a dinosaur tromped into school, ferocious, atrocious, and dripping with drool. He had to be practically twenty feet tall, and banged around looking something to maul. He stomped and he snorted, he bellowed and roared. His head hit the ceiling and busted a board. That beast was undoubtedly ready for lunch. He snatched up a chair in his teeth with a crunch, Then stopped for a moment and thoughtfully chewed; it seems he had smelled cafeteria food. He spit out the splinters and plowed down the hall, his tail swinging wildly and smashing the wall. He burst through the doors of the lunchroom to see the lunch ladies clutching their hair nets to flee. He found the lasagna and gobbled it up, then lapped up the lemonade, cup after cup. He ransacked the salad bar, plundered dessert, then stiffened and yelped as if suddenly hurt. He let out a howl as he clutched at his side, then gave out a gasp and fell over and died. So next time a dinosaur comes to your school, I think you’d do well to remember this rule: Get out of the way of his bad attitude and make sure he eats cafeteria food. — Kenn Nesbitt
Thanks, Joe. I was suspicious of that, but could only find the one clip about Mookie. Even Snopes caught it as a spoof.