Alone At 85, Now What?

Discussion in 'Family & Relationships' started by Hal Pollner, Jul 21, 2021.

  1. Shirley Martin

    Shirley Martin Supreme Member
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  2. Teresa Levitt

    Teresa Levitt Well-Known Member
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    it would be difficult for me to stay because of sadness...that is a big house for one person...
    only you know your needs...I sympathize with you
     
    #32
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  3. Lon Tanner

    Lon Tanner Veteran Member
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    All those things pose a health risk and if I'm not mistaken doesn't Hal have a possible fall problem?
     
    #33
  4. Yvonne Smith

    Yvonne Smith Senior Staff
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    I am sure that this whole thing has to be bewildering at this point, and you are trying to make decisions while being totally devastated by the loss of your beloved Judy.
    I think that an assisted living apartment might be a good compromise for you, if you decide that you are ready to move. I remember you have said that Judy did all of the driving, made the meals, and took care of the yard and all of your pets.
    Since you have had several episodes of falling, it seems to me like this is not a time for you to try and start taking complete care of a house, even a smaller one.
    Only you can make that decision because you know what things you are or are not capable of doing yourself.

    Lon is very happy where he is living, and it seems like they have a lot of group activities that you would enjoy participating in. Lon said they gave him one of those medical alerts, so if he does fall, someone comes right away to help him get back up and make sure that he is doing okay.
    I am glad that you have family there to help you right now, and also so you can comfort each other.

    Let us know how things go, and what you decide to do about lifestyle changes, as you have a clearer idea of that, @Hal Pollner .
     
    #34
  5. Lon Tanner

    Lon Tanner Veteran Member
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    Brookdale Assisted Living looks like my Assisted Living and could be a good choice for Hal in Apple Valley.
     
    #35
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  6. Nancy Hart

    Nancy Hart Veteran Member
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    Don't make any quick decisions. One day you will know what you want to do, and you will know it is the right thing to do at that time.

    I've been there, and almost made a lot of decisions I would have regretted, just because someone wanted me to do something according to some so-called traditional pattern of behavior.
     
    #36
  7. Gloria Mitchell

    Gloria Mitchell Veteran Member
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    Yes Hal- please wait . Give yourself time to grieve some first. There will be time to make changes later on. At least a few weeks!
     
    #37
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  8. Hugh Manely

    Hugh Manely Very Well-Known Member
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    I've thought about this situation many times myself, since my wife's health problems have somewhat worsened (RA, and other things).
    Its completely understandable how you feel, and I'm sorry for your situation, although you have no regrets, since you were a good mate, and stood with her to the end, and that is admirable.

    As for me, I'd like to stay in my home as long as possible - I have great neighbors, I've been here 30 years, in a city I've been in for almost 60 years. One daughter lives 2 hrs away, the other is 6 hrs away, and they will check on me I'm sure, and I will try to take good care of myself physically (I'm still riding my bicycle each week on the greenways.)

    Other than that, I'll place my faith in God, and take what comes.
     
    #38
  9. Frank Sanoica

    Frank Sanoica Veteran Member
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    @Hal Pollner

    First, please accept my personal sympathy for your situation.

    Second, I've wondered whether you will continue your sojourns to the Steak and Stein place, without your companion? Perhaps a friend, or neighbor.......?

    My feeling is do nothing brash out of desperation, regarding the house.

    Frank
     
    #39
  10. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Veteran Member
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    As for myself, if, by the Grace of God it doesn't happen for a long time to come, my wife was to die, I couldn't live in the same place we, and note the word "we" lived in. I would imagine seeing her walking around inside our apartment and that would tear me up. I would also have to move to another city and/or state that we had never been in together. Going into restaurants, etc., that we had gone into together............nope, just couldn't do it.

    But, this is me.
     
    #40
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  11. Bobby Cole

    Bobby Cole Veteran Member
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    Until you’re absolutely sure there’s water in the pool, don’t jump into it.

    1. Take a little time to look things over and sit down with your kids and allow them to participate in the decision making. Beyond the care of Judy, there are no other decisions that have to be made today, tomorrow or even a week from now.

    2. You’re not superman and especially now, no one expects you to be. Your physical and mental health are both questionable so make sure there is someone there with you at all times. Not someone who just pokes their head in once a day or two but at ALL times.

    3. Since Judy was Catholic, the local diocese might be able to help out with meals and any driving you might have to do.
     
    #41
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  12. Al Amoling

    Al Amoling Veteran Member
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    Hold off on any decisions....Emotions are high at this point. I'm not planning on making any changes when my wife passes(she's stage 4 COPD plus other complications).
     
    #42
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  13. Yvonne Smith

    Yvonne Smith Senior Staff
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    I am so glad that your family is finding you some good caregivers, @Hal Pollner , and if you can find ones that can care for you full time like your wife did, then you do not have to worry about moving anywhere until you have had time to think about these things, and make a decision about what to do.
    If something were to happen to Bobby, I would be looking at that same kind of decision to make.

    There is no way that I can take care of this house myself, and I depend on Bobby a lot.
    I can at least do my own cooking and laundry, and those kind of basic things that Judy has been doing for you; but I could not possibly maintain the upkeep for the house (lawn and yard work, maintenance, etc).
    If I had to live alone, and I had the financial ability (which I don’t); I would totally love to move into a facility like @Lon Tanner lives in.
    He has all of the options there.
    He can cook for himself, go down for his meals, putter outside in the rose garden, and do most of the things that a person living in their own house might want to do.
    However, if he gets hurt, or passes out, his emergency medallion will summon help faster than a 911 call can do.

    On the other hand, if something were to happen to me, Bobby could just continue to live here, and take care of everything , with no problems, and life for him would just go on as before.
    So, a lot depends on how functional we are to be able to care for ourselves, what the choices are when we lose a spouse.
     
    #43
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  14. Al Amoling

    Al Amoling Veteran Member
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    My wife is a Judy also
     
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  15. Yvonne Smith

    Yvonne Smith Senior Staff
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    I thought it was you who have to be a caregiver for your wife, @Al Amoling ; so are you saying that she is your caregiver like Judy was for Hal ? Or you just mean that her name is also Judy ?
     
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