Some weeks ago, the younger nephew, Mike, living in Flagstaff, AZ, spoke to his brother Dan, my elder nephew, who is in Kansas. Mike asked Dan about his grabbing one of the occasional flights out to Laughlin, where my wife & I reside. Dan's response, "Nope. Can't do it. No money". Mike offered to cover the trip when one became available. Christmas Eve, as the brothers talked, Dan's wife, Kay, exploded to Mike that Dan's 3 boys (first marriage) failed to call him, and Dan deserves to come out to see Mike & I. New scenario. Yesterday Dan called me on Christmas Day, and I mentioned the trip: he hemmed & hawed, a few days earlier his credit card purchase at a grocery was declined, a fact bewildering to him (it shouldn't have been). That explained the arrival at our house of a Swiss Colony gift package, and Dan confirmed they had sent packages to all 3 of his sisters, as well as Mike. Therein explains the over-limit card balance, delightfully caused by Kay. They married just as we were moving to Missouri, and bought-in with us on the farm property, which we split equally, 100 acres each. Kay assured Dan she would live there with him in his retirement; they bought a brand-new exquisite factory-built home, had a gigantic shop built for Dan, all new furniture, and left KS for MO in 2002, when Dan retired. We sensed friction, Dan was acting strangely, and 3 months after arriving in MO, Kay demanded they go back to KS. Dan made the second grave mistake of his lifetime then, and I told him of it right out: he left Vegas in '72, after we had taken over the service station there, as his first wife proclaimed she could not live so far from her mother in Los Angeles. Sometime after going back to CA, they came to visit us; by then we had built a nice custom home. Dan admitted he should have remained in Vegas, to me, but privately. As he and Kay were leaving MO to return to KS, I admonished him and told him no man should make the same serious mistake twice in his lifetime. He agreed, but shrugged it off. When Dan was dating Kay, he told me "She's dirt-poor". We laugh about it now, my wife & , I, "She isn't anymore"! Dan had retired from Southwestern Bell Telephone with a real nice pension, plus S/S; within 3 years they had bought a second house in KS, and filed bankruptcy! So completely out of character for my nephew, frugal and saving throughout his earlier life, not to be manipulated by person or beast! Kay had spent them into the "poorhouse", he allowed it, why, Mike and I cannot fathom. During the 2000s she demanded a new V-W Beetle, and got it. Then, a new Kia, ditto. The mortgage has suffered late fees, but her daughter demanding a butt-lift, got it, subsidized by guess who? Then the breast implants. On and on...... Last week, my wife spotted a flight scheduled from Topeka on Feb. 15. Mike is proposing to subsidize the cost for his brother to fly out here, Mike will drive down from Flag, and the old Uncle and nephew brothers will re-hash the old times. Mike is well-situated money-wise, but warns if his wife finds it out, he will likely be in divorce court! Should Mike pay for Dan's trip? I would contribute what I can, don't DARE tell my wife! I have gotten this off my chest at the expense of fellow-members' time...... Frank
I totally think that if both of your nephews can come out and visit with you again, that they should make whatever arrangements are necessary, and if the wives find out, well they should know how important family is to people, and be fine with it. After all, this doesn’t happen very often, and (at our age) we never know when is the last time we can see our family.
I can't offer advise or express an opinion on your nephews comings and goings except to say, the way I've always done things is if I have the money, I might do it. If I didn't have the money it would go undone. I've done without a lot of things in my younger life including taking trips, vacations, buying automobiles. I expected my kids to live with-in their means and told them so. Debt can be your worst enemy. I'm not critical of others spending when they don't have it, it's just not my way. I am most uncomfortable spending money when I don't have it or counting too much on future income to pay todays bills. A mortgage is an exception, of course.
@Shirley Martin Kay spoke up to Mike that she supports Dan's trip. She may, we surmise, have told Mike this to enhance her aura, which amongst the rest of us is as bad as it can get. She no doubt knows this; Dan is blinded to it, seemingly. Last time he came out, two years ago, he spilled his guts about how difficult things had become financially, but would not own up to the real reason, as though he wore blinders. He described Kay as "generous to a fault". No, Kay claims to not want to come along. Perhaps she suspects no one would outwardly welcome her. Frank
@Yvonne Smith There is much more involved, which I thought did not fit the original OP. Money has always been the most divisive issue in my family, this having begun in 1966 when my first wife & bought the old bungalow from my folks which I had been born in. My sister contended they undersold it to us, and demanded the difference in cash. Forgotten was the fact that years earlier my folks had advanced to her and her husband the down payment for their first house, when Dan was only 4, as a loan. It went forever unpaid........... Muddying the waters seriously now for Mike is the $2500 he clandestinely loaned Dan about 2 years ago when he was behind in mortgage payments. Mike felt I should know, so told me, however, in strictest confidence. Dan did not want me to know, and subsequently Mike's wife happened upon a $100 payment receipt from Dan, and was furious Mike had given Dan $100! If she only knew.........Mike seriously fears the divorce court over this. His own wife is controlling, a Hawaiian-born Chinese-American who experiences serious violent outbursts directed at Mike, later claiming they stem from inherited "warrior mentality"..........she is nuts. These nephews have 3 sisters, my nieces; none have contacted me in 20 years, as was viciously stipulated throughout their lifetimes by their father. Black sheep, who me? Even in death, he beckons them to OBEY! The nephews are close to me, Dan and I feeling like brothers as kids, while my Mother cared for both, my sister divorced and working. Two nephews are all the family I have left......two imponderables. Frank
@Shirley Martin Which he told me last visit, had been "maxed out" and he locked them in his safe (presumably beyond Kay's access). The one card still in use is now also over-limit, and he has no way of securing the flight himself. Has no debit card, thus making cash [payment to checking account useless. If Mike forwards his card info to Dan, hellish might describe the result. Thus, we've left it up to Mike (wife & I): Book the flight for Dan in Dan's name, pay for it using his own card. That should work. These charters are done by Riverside Hotel, not handled by the airline, and "packets" containing trip info are mailed to the travelers. A possible "hitch" still remaining.....but then, life is so predictable that way. Frank
I give three cheers , hip-hip-hooray, hip-hip-hooray, hip-hip-hooray and two thumps up and prayers for all. Enjoy your visit Frank and let the chips fall where they may.
If your two Nephews want to spend time with you...and you with them....and you have the means to help make that happen...do it and don't worry about anything else but enjoying your time with your Nephews.
@Frank Sanoica , I think I may owe you an apology. You posted a serious dilemma and I gave you trite replies. Sometime I do things impulsively and later wish I hadn't. Accept my apology?
@Shirley Martin Oh, Pshaw! Of course I will! My familial dysfunction has gone on for a lifetime, and we all joke about it! What's "trite"? Sounds like some kind of soft drink! Frank
My sister's two boys, Dan and Mike. In February, Dan was bumped at the airport in Topeka, Kansas, overbooked. These are charter flights to Bullhead City/Laughlin which repeat at unpredictable times. So, the next flight is this coming Wed., the 17th., he will be on it; Mike is coming in from Flagstaff, Arizona, only 180 miles east of us, by bus. His psychotic wife demanded he not drive here (in fact demanded he not come at all). Dan is 5 years younger than I, Mike 9. I am disappointed in them, as they both took U-turns in their personalities after marrying controlling and thoughtless wives. With Mike, lifelong student of Society, soft-hearted and even-tempered, it's less surprising than with Dan. They both excelled in wrestling, a rugged sport, in high school. Dan's temperament was shaped somewhat by having been a U.S. Marine after that. He was an immovable rock by nature, strong-willed, always ready, smart, an accomplished Mechanic and Welder. Heart-broken after his first wife of 24 years demanded a divorce, he re-married a 4-times previously married woman whose true nature we saw clearly early-on. Always frugal by nature, a saver and cautious spender, Dan has been led into a personal bankruptcy, his always proudly-mentioned pension from Southwestern Bell Telephone where he was an Engineer, squandered over several years time by his wife, much of it going to her children. Dan paid for "butt-lifts", plastic surgeries, etc., by way of having taken a 180-degree character change in order to satisfy this woman. The "Dan" I grew up with as a brother would never have allowed this to happen. We are bewildered. So is Mike, and Dan's 3 sons from the first marriage. When we were first meeting his new wife, she bragged that her last husband told her mother if he stayed with her, he would kill her: she laughed resoundingly repeating this story, seemed proud of it! This told us Dan was making a life-changing mistake. There's the history, very basically. They are my only family "left", aside from their 3 sisters who will not acknowledge my existence. They will leave next Saturday. Mike funded Dan's airfare; his one usable credit card is over limit. The rest of them, overdrawn, are locked in his safe, inaccessible to his wife. At her bidding, he sold their 3 paid-for vehicles and she since has acquired 2 brand-new cars on credit, of course. Her own contribution of S/S is meager or none, much of it going to her daughters. Dan's son Danny, in the Marines, sent me $200, asking me to give his dad $100 for spending money, and the rest to buy food for all of us. I can contribute but little, but will augment the fund as best I can. The final "kicker"? Truly imponderable, some time ago, Mike lent Dan $2500 as Dan was behind in mortgage payments. The dough remains unreturned. Mike confided that if his own wife learned of the loan, he would be standing in divorce court! Dan knows not that I know of this "loan". Dysfunctional? You bet! Frank