Yesterday marked the end of a season in my life. For the past few months I have been ranting and raving, kicking and screaming, praying and pleading, experiencing sadness and depression, fear and anxiety... because even though all the signs have been conveying to me that this season of my life is coming to an end...I did not want it to come to an end. I have been blessed with a gift that has brought so much joy and purpose to my life and has defined who I am for so long...that to have to end this season of my life...is like a part of me dying too. I have always loved babies and one of my greatest gifts is being able to love, understand, and nurture them like I was born to do just that. This gift has not only blessed me but has blessed many mothers who had to go to work outside their homes and leave their babies with another "mother" who would and did love and care for their babies as much as they did. My home daycare was called "A Mother's Touch" and that name expressed the gift I was blessed with perfectly. Loving and nurturing babies allowed me to use the gift I was blessed with in a way that brought me joy, earned income so I could stay at home with my own babies, and gave the babies I loved and nurtured a loving second home and "mother". It also gave the birth mothers' confidence and assurance that their babies were safe and being given all the love and nurturing that they themselves gave them. Knowing that I used the gift I have been blessed with to help babies have a firm foundation to grow from...was like hearing Jesus say to me: "Well done. You good and faith servant." As my daughters married and had their own babies I was blessed with being able to use this gift with my grandbabies. My daughters furthered their education so they could enhance the gifts they have been blessed with and while they were doing this, Granny Babs loved and nurtured her grandkids the same way I had been using my gift for this with others' babies. And just as using that gift for other babies brought me so much joy, using that gift for my grandbabies brought joy too...but how much sweeter that joy was being able to us it with the grandbabies I was blessed with. I never thought my season of using this gift would have to come to an end...at least not until I had used this gift for each of my grandbabies. But these past six months (probably even long than this) I have been shown (but denied what I was seeing) that it is time to give this gift back to the Giver and ask Him to bless the person or persons who will be helping to love and nurture my two youngest "grandbabies" with the gift He has given me for so long. My heart still does not want to give this gift back to the Giver because this gift has defined me and my purpose for most of my life. Even my mom said I used to climb in the cribs of my siblings and take them out (never dropping one of them) and loving and nurturing them with the gift I was given at birth. Every season of our lives comes to an end eventually. And no matter how much I fought it, or denied it, or even prayed that it wouldn't have to come to an end...I have had to face the fact that it has ended. I am not healthy enough or energetic enough now to continue using a gift that requires these things. The last time I went to my daugher's to use this gift with my grandbabies I felt so weak and a couple of times I felt like I was going to pass out. My daughter is still on maternity leave so she was always home with us and I didn't tell her what I was experiencing. But I had to think hard about what was happening to me and what it meant... and when I did face this....remembrance of many other things that had happened this past year that was conveying to me the end of a season in my life came to mind too. And I knew that I had been fighting a battle I could not win...and it was time to surrender gracefully. It is time to give back to the Giver the gift He blessed me with and trust Him to bless whoever He places in my grandbabies lives to help care for them...with this gift too. Yesterday I called my daughter and told her what had been happening and that I could not be the caretaker of her babies while she works anymore. Neither one of us wanted to accept this...but I told her I did not feel my grandbabies would be safe with me anymore because of what I was experiencing health and age wise. I told her that I just can't do 14-16 hour shifts, she is a Respiratory Therapist working 12 hour shifts and commuting more than an hour to and from work. I told her I would never be able to forgive myself if I passed out and left those two babies helpless and alone. At that, the reality hit both of us and we both knew this is the way things have to be. Now I will just be Granny Babs and love these grandbabies every chance I get. This morning I feel like a very important part of me died....and I'm grieving for that loss. And I'm praying that the Giver of the gift I had to give back will bring another gift to me that I can serve Him faithfully with. Please pray for the Giver to send my daughter someone with the gift He blessed me with to help love and nourish my grandbabies like she does and like I wanted to continue to do.
I'm kind of like you, Babs...the favorite grandma. Always was the only grandma that played all day with them. My daughter's two are older now, the oldest will be in college next year....i still spend time talking with them but it's not like little ones. Here the boys are 10,7 and 4! I have to muster all my energy to be the grandma they're used to....it's getting harder....and my back doesn't help. Since I only see these 3 about twice a year, I have to give it my all when I'm here. I had my ticket to come here in sept but had to cancel...my mom died in June, I had rats in my attic, my AC died...I wasn't sleeping....had a meltdown and thought it would be better to cancel my trip til Christmas. Much better anyway, since I spent most of my Christmases with the 2 older ones. Also want to add that there will be no more babies with my daughter or son, and although I love babies...don't think I could watch a toddler again....maybe until they start walking but that's it. Although you won't be caring 24/7 for them, Babs you can still love them and see them as much as possible.
I flew from Hungary when my daughter had her first child in 1999 and stayed for 6 months watching him....I trained the nanny that took over and was confident she'd do a good job. This was the second one though...the first one they hired didn't last a week. She was terrible. She knew I was there watching her and she still was lousy, can you imagine what she'd be like without supervision? She came from an agency and highly recommended. She was a live in nanny, my daughter's house in Monterey then had a made over garage that someone could live in.
My daughter and her husband will have to make their decision as to who or what is the next best solution for the caregiving of their children, and I know our heavenly Father will guide them in this as we all ask in prayer for Him to do so.
With their youngest just 3 months old...what I believe they will do right now is my daughter will work weekend shifts and her husband will watch their daughter and son. My daughter is blessed that she can work just two twelve hour shifts two days a week and earn as much a it takes most people a week to earn at a good paying job. And my son-in-law is blessed that he can put his 40 hours into a 4 day week and have a 3 day weekend. So while their baby is so young I think they will just take turns taking care of their own kids until they are older or can find the right person. They definitely do not want public daycare.
It's good that they can work it out that way. My kids used nannies when the babies were little but switched to daycare/preschool later. There are some bad ones and there are some good ones. The youngest one here has had a nanny since my Dil went back to work but now he goes to preschool 2 days a week and the nanny comes 2 days. Both my son and Dil have fridays off. They're lucky with the nanny, she's my age and is very good with him. The daycare is also very good...La Petit. All 3 boys went there for awhile. It's also right next to the dental office where my DIL works so that was good too.
A prayer for all of us today who have come to the end of a season in their lives and are still struggling with making peace with this. Yesteday, when my emotions would get the better of me, I asked myself to think of some good things about this season ending in my life. At first there didn't seem to be any. But as I let my thoughts push aside my emotions these things came clearly into view: I won't have to feel like I have to live my life in two separate places anymore. This has been a struggle for the past few years for me as I loved being with my daughter and grandbabies, but hated leaving my husband and not being able to be home with him at the end of the day. Now my husband and I won't have to spend almost as much time apart as we did together. Even though we were in total agreement about me going and helping with the grandbabies, being apart so much was lonely for both of us...and it allowed some weeds to grow in our marriage that we now can pull out for good. It's hard to feel like you live in two different places...you want to try to make a life for yourself in both those places, but just when you get into the life you are making in one of those places...it ends up being time to go back to the other place...and vice versa. This has been the hardest part for me and I will actually be thankful that I will no longer be in this position. I have missed the intimacy of a day to day life with my husband...now I won't have to miss that anymore. I can now pick and choose when I want to go visit my daughter and her Family...and not be responsible at all for helping her raise her children, but instead I will be free to just love and enjoy all of them during my time with them. And I will still have the pleasure of riding the train when I want to. I will be able to join the free health club I have with my Medicare Advantage plan and start working on improving my health bodywise. I also will have time to tweek our menus and meals so that we stay as healthy as possible through this last season of our lives. And I will have more time and energy to spend time with my daughters and grandchildren here in Louisiana so we can refresh and renew our relationships too. Two of my grandsons started playing basketball this past Saturday, for one it is his first time at it and for the other who loves all sports it is more time to improve his skills in this sport. I'm looking forward to going to some of their games with my husband and cheering them on! Last, but by far the most important difference will be that I will have a lot more time to renew and refresh my relationship with my Father and my Savior. I have hated that sometimes even They had to be put on the back burner to while I tended to those things They have blessed me with. I will have more time to get back into reading the Bible and really being able to let it nourish me instead of grabbing a bite of that nourishment while on the run. With all the crazyiness happening in the World...I need the peace and assurance in God's Word to keep my faith and trust rock steady. While I may be mourning the end of a very important season of my life...there is also a quite sense of anticipation stirring in my heart as I enter into this new season of my life.
It's funny how when we finally stop "kicking and screaming", etc. and accept and surrender...we no longer feel the turmoil, distress, and confusion that has led up to that acceptance and surrender. There is still an ache in my heart and a sadness at knowing a very important part of my life has ended. But there is also a wondering of what the next and final season of my life will bring. I have always wanted to leave a Diary of my life to pass down to my daughters, and I think this next season of my life will allow me to do that. I even think my being able to share my life through the written word on this Forum is helping me prepare to do just that. I want my daughters to know that I wasn't just there Mom, but a young girl and woman who had hopes and dreams, etc. just like they do. I want them to know what dreams came true in my life as well as the ones that fell by the wayside. And I want them to know how much each of them meant to me and how they all made my life such a wonderful one. I want to share with them my joys and my sorrows, as well as the things I did wrong and the things I did right. I want to see me as me, flaws and all. I also wanted to write short little stories of adventures with my grandchildren and me for them to enjoy. Now that my youngest grandchildren are living in another state, I think they would enjoy those stories... with pictures of course. There is the beginner's paint set I bought for myself last Christmas and which has only been used so far to add our newest grandbaby's name to our Family Tree canvas hanging on the wall over the diningroom table. This Christmas I think I'll make my stealing Santa gift a sketch pad, drawing pencils, and a canvas or two instead of the eating place gift card...and hope I end up with this gift so I will have everything I need to sit out under the big oak tree in our yard and see if I have any artistic talent I can put to canvas. Another season of my life may be ending....but there is still so much left to see and do before the curtain is drawn on the final season of my life. I changed my Avatar to one in which I was a young girl so that when I see it maybe it will take me back and remind me of dreams I had then which are yet to be fulfilled.
This new season of my life has not started off very well at all. And part of me wants to just run back to the old season and bury myself deep in that comfort zone. But there is no going back (except for visits) and there will be no growth or blooming if I don't keep moving forward pushing through the obstacles in my path until I break through all the detours trying to drive me back to the season I left behind. The older I get the less I like change...and the harder I find it is to make changes...even the necessary ones. I am having new health issues that have to be addressed and taken care of. Are some of these health issues a result of the stress and anxiety of letting go of the old season of my life? It's a possibility I'm sure. But this old body of mine is also going to be 66 years old in a couple of weeks and there's been alot of wear and tear on it through the years...and I haven't been the best at keeping up the maintenance on this body the Lord blessed me with. All through my life I've been better at taking care of others than taking care of myself and my body is letting me know that it has been neglected long enough. So this new season of my life begins with finding out what is worn down and repairing any damage to the best of my ability. Slowly but surely, one day and one step at a time I will find out what is wrong and what can be done to right it as much as possible. For one who has Nurtured everyone but herself for most of her life learning to nurture myself is in itself an obstacle to overcome. This past weekend my daughter from Texas and her family came for a 4 day visit and because her whole family had been and still were sick with a respiratory/bronchitis like viral infection I could not go and spend time with them while they were here. The health problems I am having right now has lowered my immune system even further and as much as I wanted to be with them...I had to do what was best for my health this time. I think my having to say "no" to being with them shocked all of us! But we all lived through this decision just fine although I did promise myself a train ride and a week long visit with my family in Texas as soon as I have my health answers, etc. and they are all well. Some say that our personal New Year starts on our actual Birthday, so Feb.25th the year 2017 will "officially" begin for me and I will also make that the "official" first day of the new season of my life. I don't have resolutions...but I do have a few plans I hope to see through to completion. Having a small vegetable garden this Spring, painting Family Trees for each of my daughters, and actually exercising on the Birthday present my Honey was sweet enough to buy for me. It's a new year and a new season of my life and I'm going forward with gratitude and courage to face whatever it brings!
I think that things will start looking better for you again once you get a good handle on the heart problems, and can stop worrying about wondering what is going on and what needs to be done. That part is always stressful, which only makes it worse; but seems to be unavoidable. Since I just turned 72, I look back with fondness at still being in my 60's. You are still YOUNG and just don't know it; but you are the youngest today that you are ever going to be for the rest of your life, so enjoy that youngness as much as you can. I agree that it is important to take care of ourselves, and even when we have neglected doing that, it is still never too late to start. Sending you prayers and happy blessings for today.....
I'm having a tough time "navigating" through this new season of my life more so than any past season. Most days I wake up feeling like I'm lost deep in a forest with no idea what direction to head in to lead me out of this Forest. I may take a few steps forward in some direction but then I stand still afraid to go forward in case I lose myself even deeper in this Forest. I don't want to be afraid to face this season of my life...but I feel I have entered into this new season with nothing that is familiar or comforting to me. I need answers but they seem so slow in coming. I need others to be there for me like I have always been there for them, but that isn't happening either. I want to know what my purpose is during this new season of my life, but no answers are coming forth. It's a hard time for me right now, so I wait even though waiting has never been something I'm very good at doing. I only know that to many times in my younger years I didn't wait and ended up jumping into the wrong things instead of the right....and then I'd have to start all over again. The answers will come and I will find my way out of the Forest I feel so lost in. But right at this moment I wish someone would just come in and find me!
Sometimes what we think is the end of a season in our life is not really that at all...but just a resting point in the season we are in. With all that has been happening lately it is starting to look like this is what has happened in my life. Our heavenly Father knew how much I needed this "resting point" and He blessed me with this time to "nurture" myself for awhile and so He could show me some things that needed to change. As long as I am on this earth I am my Father's servant and He will continue to give me everything I need to serve Him in what He calls me to do. And it is becoming clearer to me that He is still calling me to serve Him by serving my Family, even though it is also clear that some of the ways I have been serving them will be changing. For I have been not only helping my Family with their needs but also fulfilling many of their wants too at the price of my own health. My Family has real needs that I can help them with, but their wants are not my responsibility. Every Mother loves to "spoil" her children whether they are still at home, or grown and on their own. I am blessed that many times my children have spoiled me right back! My daughter and grandbabies in Texas still need my help. And I believe with all that has been happening that God is clearly showing me He still wants me to help them and that He will continue to provide all I need to do this. So tomorrow I will probably be taking the train to Texas...if not, next weekend I will be riding back with my daughter to Texas after she and the kids spend a week over here. It is more likely I will be taking the train tomorrow...but I will know for sure about this later today. God has not just been making some adjustments in me, but in my daughters too. At this point my daughter in Texas has made peace with the fact that even though she works only a couple of days a week, she may have gone back to work to soon after her son's birth...and may have to take a continued "maternity leave". Even doing that, she has no Family over there to help her with the little ones and for the past couple of months they have been fighting one illness after another. This morning she has to bring the baby back to the Doctor for now he is full of sickness that his sister probably shared with him. My daughter needs my help and I am going to walk in faith and trust that God will keep me well while I go and help her. I do not know the whole "story" yet about God's plans for my life at this time...but I know that He will unfold it in His perfect timing as I walk forward in faith and trust in Him and leave my fears and anxieties about my own health in His hands.
I just printed off my train ticket and will be heading to Texas tomorrow. I haven't been in a long time so I am excited that I will be spending some time with all of them once again. And looking forward to that train ride too.
It's been a long time since I've updated this topic and so many things have changed since I started it. The best thing of all is that my youngest daughter and her family moved from Texas back to our home city here in Louisiana. The second best thing is that this past October they blessed us with another grandson. And the third best thing is that they bought a home here that is just a couple of miles down the road from us so I have been able to see them as often as I want and help out when needed too...but still able to be home in my own bed every night. I will miss the train trips once in awhile....but am so happy with all my family being Home again. What hasn't changed is that I still have to limit myself to helping part time with my children's needs so that I can give and little to them and still keep myself healthy too. My youngest daughter who has needed most of my help has now found other avenues of help too. Her 4 year old and 2 year old attend Mother's Day out 3 days a week at the Church I attend when I'm feeling the need to be in a Church building with my brothers and sisters in Christ to worship our Lord. Our grandson who was born this past October will join his big sister and brother there this coming summer and for now I will help out with taking care of him on a part time basis when needed. One of the saddest things that has happened in our lives during 2018 is that my middle daughter and her husband are probably going to be divorcing. When she first told me this my heart just felt like it was shattering right along with hers. And even though she has has Biblical reasons for divorce (which is important in our Christian family)...we still are praying that a miracle will happen and this marriage can be renewed and restored to the marriage God has always meant it to be. It's hard watching your adult child in pain and struggling with this decision. But one thing I've learned through my own experience with divorce is that to save a marriage both people have to be willing to do whatever it takes to heal the breaches. It's a different season in my life...but it's still a blessed one and I am thankful to just be living and loving during the ups and downs of this season of my life.