The Divine Research Agency Needs Your Help

Discussion in 'Make Me Laugh' started by Jeff Tracy, Sep 3, 2017.

  1. Jeff Tracy

    Jeff Tracy Veteran Member
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    Please take a few moments to download this survey, fill it in then print it off and leave at your place of worship. Bless you all. God would like to thank you for your belief and patronage.

    In order to better serve your needs, He or She asks that you take a few moments to answer the following questions.

    1. How did you find out about your deity?

    __ Newspaper

    __ Bible

    __ Torah

    __ Television

    __ Book of Mormon

    __ Divine Inspiration

    __ Dead Sea Scrolls

    __ My Mama Done Told Me

    __ Near Death Experience

    __ Near Life Experience

    __ National Public Radio

    __ Tabloid

    __ Burning Shrubbery

    __ Other (specify): _____________


    2. Which model deity did you acquire?

    __ Jehovah

    __ Jesus

    __ Allah

    __ Krishna

    __ Buddha

    __ Father, Son, & Holy Ghost [Trinity Pak]

    __ Brahma, Vishnu, & Siva [Trimurti Pak]

    __ Mawu/Olorun & Obatala [Vodun Loa Pak]

    __ Zeus and entourage [Olympus Pak]

    __ Odin and entourage [Valhalla Pak]

    __ Satan

    __ Gaia/Mother Earth/Mother Nature

    __ God 1.0a (Hairy Thunderer)

    __ God 1.0b (Cosmic Muffin)

    __ None of the above, I was taken in by a false god


    3. Did your God come to you undamaged, with all parts in good working order and with no obvious breakage or missing attributes?

    __ Yes __ No


    If no, please describe the problems you initially encountered here.
    Please indicate all that apply:

    __ Not eternal

    __ Finite in space/Does not occupy or inhabit the entire cosmos

    __ Not omniscient

    __ Not omnipotent

    __ Not infinitely plastic (incapable of being all things to all creations)

    __ Permits sex outside of marriage

    __ Prohibits sex outside of marriage

    __ Makes mistakes

    __ Makes or permits bad things to happen to good people

    __ Makes or permits good things to happen to bad people

    __ Looks after life other than that on Earth

    __ When beseeched, doesn't stay beseeched

    __ Requires burnt offerings

    __ Requires virgin sacrifices


    4. What factors were relevant in your decision to acquire a deity?
    Please check all that apply.

    __ Indoctrinated by parents

    __ Needed a reason to live

    __ Indoctrinated by society

    __ Needed focus in whom to despise

    __ Needed focus in whom to love

    __ Imaginary friend grew up

    __ Hate to think for myself

    __ Wanted to meet girls/boys in church

    __ Fear of death

    __ Wanted to upset parents

    __ Wanted to please parents

    __ Needed a day away from school or work

    __ Desperate need for certainty

    __ Like organ music

    __ Need to feel morally superior

    __ Shit was falling out of the sky

    __ My shrubbery caught fire and told me to do it


    5. Have you ever worshipped a deity before? If so, which false god were you fooled by?
    Please check all that apply.

    __ Baal

    __ The Almighty Money

    __ Left Wing Liberalism

    __ The Radical Right

    __ Amon Ra

    __ Beelzebub

    __ Barney The Big Purple Dinosaur

    __ The Great Spirit

    __ The Great Pumpkin

    __ The Sun

    __ The Moon

    __ The Force

    __ Elvis

    __ A burning shrub

    __ Psychiatry

    __ Other: ________________


    6. Are you currently using any other source of inspiration in addition to God?
    Please check all that apply.

    __ Tarot

    __ Lottery

    __ Astrology

    __ Television

    __ Fortune cookies

    __ Psychic Friends Network

    __ Dianetics

    __ Palmistry

    __ Self-help books

    __ Sex, drugs, and rock & roll

    __ Biorhythms

    __ Alcohol

    __ Marijuana

    __ Tea Leaves

    __ Mantras

    __ Crystals

    __ Human sacrifice

    __ Pyramids

    __ Wandering around a desert

    __ Insurance policies

    __ Burning shrubbery

    __ Other:_____________________

    __ None


    7. God reputedly employs a limited degree of Divine Intervention to preserve a balanced level of felt presence and blind faith. Which would you prefer?
    Circle one below:

    a. More Divine Intervention

    b. Less Divine Intervention

    c. Current level of Divine Intervention is just right

    d. Don't know.

    e. What's Divine Intervention?


    8. God also reputedly attempts to maintain a balanced level of disasters and miracles.
    Please rate on a scale of 1 - 5 your opinion of the handling of the following (1 = unsatisfactory, 5 = excellent):

    a. Disasters:

    1 2 3 4 5 flood

    1 2 3 4 5 famine

    1 2 3 4 5 earthquake

    1 2 3 4 5 war & holocausts

    1 2 3 4 5 pestilence

    1 2 3 4 5 plague

    1 2 3 4 5 Spam


    b. Miracles:

    1 2 3 4 5 rescues

    1 2 3 4 5 spontaneous remissions

    1 2 3 4 5 stars hovering over tiny town & previously unknown hamlets

    1 2 3 4 5 crying statues

    1 2 3 4 5 water changing to wine

    1 2 3 4 5 walking on water

    1 2 3 4 5 coincidence of any sort

    1 2 3 4 5 getting any sex whatsoever


    9. From time to time God reputedly makes available the names and addresses of His followers and devotees to selected reputedly divine personages who provide quality services and perform intercessions in His behalf. Are you interested in a compilation of listed offerings?

    __ Yes, please deluge me with religious zealots for the benefit of my own mortal soul

    __ No, I do not wish to be inundated by religious fanatics clamouring for my money


    10. Do you have any additional comments or suggestions for improving the quality of God's services?

    (Attach an additional sheet if necessary)
     
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    Chrissy Cross likes this.
  2. Shirley Martin

    Shirley Martin Supreme Member
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    Is that who was calling me today????? I hung up on them.
     
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