Spouse Doesn't Miss Deceased Spouse And Is Very Happy Now

Discussion in 'Family & Relationships' started by Cody Fousnaugh, Jan 19, 2021.

  1. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Supreme Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2015
    Messages:
    12,750
    Likes Received:
    8,743
    We know two spouses that are exactly that way. Both had been married for numerous years, but health problems came on to the wife of one and the husband to the other.

    The one deceased spouse, my wife's BIL, who acquired some fairly serious heath problems, moved away from his wife. He got his own apartment and had an RN stop in at times. He outright told his wife that he didn't want any of her help and she told us, over the phone, "I don't want to be a nurse". When his heath got worse, he moved back in with his wife, but ended up in the hospital where he never left and passed.

    The other deceased spouse, my wife graduated high school with. She wound up with some fairly serious mental problems and Lupus. She refused to see a doctor and get any medications for her illness. Her husband, of many years, did chose to stay with her, but her last visit to a hospital was her last. He told us straight out, "I'm very happy now and can go on with my life".

    Both of these marriages, even though they were long marriages, had some real problems in them.

    Ever known anyone like this............lost their spouse, but don't miss them and is very happy?
     
    #1
  2. Bill Boggs

    Bill Boggs Supreme Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    May 13, 2015
    Messages:
    5,747
    Likes Received:
    7,721
    Yes, she said when he died, she said, “It’s my life now, I’ll make the decisions.”
     
    #2
    Last edited: Jan 19, 2021
  3. John Brunner

    John Brunner Senior Staff
    Staff Member Senior Staff Greeter Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    May 29, 2020
    Messages:
    22,675
    Likes Received:
    32,151
    It's a very interesting thing, isn't it?

    There are people who bail at the first bump in the road, and people who endure things that [we think] they shouldn't. Ends of a spectrum.

    But none of us truly know what motivates another human being.
    Most of us don't know what motivates US, which is not a good thing.
     
    #3
  4. Trevalius Guyus

    Trevalius Guyus Veteran Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Jan 22, 2020
    Messages:
    792
    Likes Received:
    1,039
    I knew a woman, the mother of one of my old best buddies, who went through such an amazing transformation, following the death of her depressing, glum, ultra-serious husband, that I was very happy for her. She started traveling, dressing stylishly, and even laughing at jokes I made. She was a delight to talk to, from then on.

    I'm sure partners/spouses stick with their mates because of love, in some cases, because "that's just what you're supposed to do," in others. Those who decide to go off on their own, for the sake of preserving their sanity, seeking happiness, or any list of reasons, need our understanding, not our condemnation.
     
    #4
  5. Peter Renfro

    Peter Renfro Veteran Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Sep 13, 2018
    Messages:
    1,423
    Likes Received:
    1,705
    Yes, My brother in laws mother. Very old school Italian, Carmell a tiny little whisp of a woman. Married to Jim, a stereo typical macho Italian man. He owned a quarry and ran dump trucks. He was a made man, The mob controlled most of the construction business in NY in the '60's and '70's.
    They were married for over 60 years. Carm was meek mild, very rarely spoke.
    Jim up and died. Holy moley talk about a transformation. Carm became a 90 year old teenager of night.
     
    #5
  6. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Supreme Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2015
    Messages:
    12,750
    Likes Received:
    8,743
    Well, first, my wife's deceased BIL was a Pastor, but lost his small church congregation to a new one. He didn't like his wife traveling to anywhere. His quote, "traveling is a waste of money". He didn't want her fly to Colorado, when we first moved here in 2002. That was one of the first things she told us at the airport when we picked her up. Then, it got to be that he didn't want to visit his grandkids, so she went by herself. He didn't like her being on the computer, because, he felt, "she doesn't know what she is doing and messes it up."

    He ended up getting a job as a new/used car salesman, but management didn't like him wearing a cover over his head while showing cars. He was bald and didn't like the sun hitting his head, but............even car dealers have employee rules/policies. He made some excellent sales though. After that job, he went to a truck driving school (at his age of 60+?) and partnered up with another guy for some OTR driving. His left foot got hurt from using the clutch so much and had to quit that. After that, his health really went down-hill.

    Now, before this Pandemic hit, she was flying somewhere quite often. She no longer heard him complaining about her use of the computer or traveling. The lady is in so-called "7th Heaven" and loves it!
     
    #6
    Last edited: Jan 20, 2021
  7. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Supreme Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2015
    Messages:
    12,750
    Likes Received:
    8,743
    The other couple we know, the wife that obtained some mental problems (hallucinations) and Lupus. Her husband tried to get her to see a doctor, but she totally refused. She also acquired some very bad arthritis pain. Towards the end, she could no longer walk and had to use a walker or wheelchair. The mental problems got so bad, her two sons, and their families, didn't want to see her anymore.

    Before this happened with her, they were both "Snowbirds", living in Florida during the winter and at the Michigan home in the summer. They had done a lot of traveling for years, but that all ended when the hallucinations started happening and her Lupus got worse. She got very upset with him, because he would no longer take her anywhere (trip/vacation). She no longer wanted to go back to Michigan, so he went one summer without her. Kept fully in-touch with her and had neighbors check in on her. He didn't like Michigan winters or Florida summers. This past summer, he did stay in Florida, because she was getting worse and worse.

    Since her death, he has thrown away, or given to a family member, all of her stuff. He made and excellent salary. She never worked. He told us, "I really couldn't believe all of the shoes and clothes she had." IOW, he really, really spoiled her with buying stuff and vacations. So, now he is fully remodeling their Michigan house and new appliances in their Florida home. She no longer bugs him about who he is talking to on the phone and he can now get rid of anything he choses. She wouldn't let him get rid of a thing!

    He is now happy and having fun.........as he states it.
     
    #7
    Kate Ellery likes this.
  8. Hedi Mitchell

    Hedi Mitchell Supreme Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Mar 18, 2017
    Messages:
    8,797
    Likes Received:
    15,381
    Wow oh wow. I have heard of folks acting like this. Maybe there was love at some point in their lives - and just fizzled. Or the stand by - for the sake of the children they stayed together.
    I would miss my spouse terribly and would have no desire to party out. At the same time I would do somethings differently.
     
    #8
    Faye Fox and John Brunner like this.
  9. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Supreme Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2015
    Messages:
    12,750
    Likes Received:
    8,743
    And, I forgot this...........after my wife's BIL moved out, his wife took off her wedding set. There was a small family get-together at an Orlando, FL. Timeshare, our niece got, to visit Disney World, and I was the only one that noticed the SIL (wife's sister) had taken off her wedding set.
     
    #9
  10. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Supreme Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Aug 12, 2015
    Messages:
    12,750
    Likes Received:
    8,743
    Absolutely unbelievable how some marriage problems are handled.

    SIL was both happy and sad that her husband passed away. She could now do what she wanted and go where she wanted, with no complaining from him. Does she miss him at all? Nope!

    Our friend, well, he is much, much more happier now. He doesn't have to hear her complaining about pain, but not willing to do anything about it. No longer bugged about who he is talking to on the phone. At the end, he took care of her the very best he could, but the complaining continued.
     
    #10
  11. Kate Ellery

    Kate Ellery Supreme Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Dec 12, 2015
    Messages:
    36,340
    Likes Received:
    7,849
    Hubby’s friend who passed away about 7 years ago always spoke to his wife in an abusive manner and had even intended leaving her nothing in his will ,even tho she took care of him during his battle with cancer, he was 69 . ( they’d been together since they were 14 & 18 )

    I think it was his way of still “controlling “ her long after he’d died

    Hubby spoke to him about 2 months before he died and he’d changed the will to leave her all they had .

    Things got so bad she was (is) on anti strong depressants and she ended up like a zombie.
    She is much better now and on milder meds .

    She was relived when he died ,it’s taken her a while but she’s much better .....she now talks without sounding like a frightened child or needs permission to do something , she’s way overweight for a 4ft 10” lady


    He and hubby worked together
     
    #11
  12. John Brunner

    John Brunner Senior Staff
    Staff Member Senior Staff Greeter Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    May 29, 2020
    Messages:
    22,675
    Likes Received:
    32,151
    I gotta imagine that there are kids just as glad to see these people gone as their spouses are.
     
    #12

Share This Page