I work to buy a car to go to work. Men approve of premarital sex until daughters are born. Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
Few women admit their age; few men act it. Money is the root of all wealth. Our conscience is clear- we don't use it. It's better to be the first lover than a third wife.
Let's emotionally damage each other and call it Love. Materialism: buying things we don't need with money we don't have to impress people that don't matter. I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it ...so I said "Implants?"
The most beautiful makeup of a woman is passion. But cosmetics are easier to buy. Santa's elves are just a bunch of subordinate Clauses. The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
I once had a blonde girlfriend and we got into an argument because I accused her of being stupid. She jumped up and yelled, “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t walk out that door!” I replied, “because the plane hasn’t landed yet.”
Why teachers drink The following questions were in GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 18 year olds) Q. Name the four seasons? A.. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar Q. How is dew formed? A.. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist on? A.. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections? A.. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election Q. What are steroids? A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs (Shoot yourself now , there is little hope) Q... What happens to your body as you age? A.. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty? A.. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true) Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes? A.. Premature death Q. What is artificial insemination? A... When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow Q. How can you delay milk turning sour? A.. Keep it in the cow (Simple, but brilliant) Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized (e.g The abdomen)? A.. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A,E,I,O,U (wth!) Q. What is the fibula? A.. A small lie Q. What does 'varicose' mean? A.. Nearby Q. What is the most common form of birth control? A.. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium. (That would work) Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Caesarean section'? A.. The caesarean section is a district in Rome Q. What is a seizure? A.. A Roman Emperor. (Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit) Q. What is a terminal illness? A. When you are sick at the airport. (Irrefutable) Q. What does the word 'benign' mean? A.. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (brilliant)AND THE BEST IS LAST:Q. What is a turbine? A.. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head. Once a Arab boy reaches puberty, he removes his diaper and wraps it around his head. (now we're getting somewhere)
The accident and golfing A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" “Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?” “The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant. " "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again.” The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the golfer. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." “That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors.” "That’s unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer, “I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection I get a headache”