Joke Of The Day

Discussion in 'Make Me Laugh' started by Craig Swanson, Dec 11, 2019.

  1. Bess Barber

    Bess Barber Very Well-Known Member
    Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2019
    Messages:
    3,760
    Likes Received:
    7,397
    I did read once that coffee grounds were good for the skin. I thought it was probably the caffeine tightening pores or something.
     
    #61
  2. Bess Barber

    Bess Barber Very Well-Known Member
    Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 8, 2019
    Messages:
    3,760
    Likes Received:
    7,397
    images - 2020-01-18T184144.161.jpeg
    A little hard to read....but funny.
     
    #62
  3. Craig Swanson

    Craig Swanson Greeter
    Staff Member Greeter Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    May 7, 2019
    Messages:
    4,264
    Likes Received:
    4,554
    You aint kidding.
    upload_2020-1-19_10-49-22.jpeg
     
    #63
    Bess Barber likes this.
  4. Al Amoling

    Al Amoling Veteran Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    2,923
    I was in a bar the other night...

    and overheard three hefty ladies talking. Their accent appeared to be Scottish, so I approached and asked, "Hello. ladies, are you three lassies form Scotland?"
    One of them angrily screeched at me, "It's Wales, you bloody idiot, it's Wales!"

    So I apologized and said, "I'm so sorry. Are you three whales from Scotland?"

    That's the last thing I remember…
     
    #64
  5. Craig Swanson

    Craig Swanson Greeter
    Staff Member Greeter Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    May 7, 2019
    Messages:
    4,264
    Likes Received:
    4,554
    apologies @Bess Barber

    A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner. The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black. The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes. Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red. Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time. To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes. The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?" The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV, it's a microwave!"

    [​IMG]
     
    #65
  6. Shirley Martin

    Shirley Martin Veteran Member
    Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2015
    Messages:
    25,717
    Likes Received:
    12,554
    #66
    Bess Barber and Craig Swanson like this.
  7. Craig Swanson

    Craig Swanson Greeter
    Staff Member Greeter Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    May 7, 2019
    Messages:
    4,264
    Likes Received:
    4,554
    #67
    Bess Barber and Lois Winters like this.
  8. Shirley Martin

    Shirley Martin Veteran Member
    Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    Jun 9, 2015
    Messages:
    25,717
    Likes Received:
    12,554
    Me????? You're the one who posted it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :eek::D
     
    #68
    Bess Barber likes this.
  9. Craig Swanson

    Craig Swanson Greeter
    Staff Member Greeter Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    May 7, 2019
    Messages:
    4,264
    Likes Received:
    4,554
    A brunette goes into a doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it. "Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me." She takes her finger, presses on her elbow, and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams, and so it goes on; everywhere she touches makes her scream with pain. The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette are you?" She says, "No, I dyed my hair. I'm naturally blonde." "I thought so," he says. "Your finger is broken."
     
    #69
  10. Craig Swanson

    Craig Swanson Greeter
    Staff Member Greeter Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    May 7, 2019
    Messages:
    4,264
    Likes Received:
    4,554
    I went down the street to a 24-hour grocery store. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, "Hey! The sign says you're open 24 hours." He Said, "Yes, but not in a row!"
     
    #70
    Bess Barber and Shirley Martin like this.
  11. Lois Winters

    Lois Winters Greeter
    Staff Member Greeter Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2019
    Messages:
    2,876
    Likes Received:
    4,149
  12. Craig Swanson

    Craig Swanson Greeter
    Staff Member Greeter Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    May 7, 2019
    Messages:
    4,264
    Likes Received:
    4,554
    #72
    Bess Barber and Lois Winters like this.
  13. Al Amoling

    Al Amoling Veteran Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    2,923
    The IRS decided to audit Grandpa, and summoned him to the IRS office. The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.

    The auditor said, “Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I’m not sure the IRS finds that believable.”

    “I’m a great gambler, and I can prove it,” says Grandpa. “How about a demonstration?”

    The auditor thinks for a moment and says, “OK. Go ahead.”
    Grandpa says, “I’ll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.”

    The auditor thinks a moment and says, “It’s a bet.”
    Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor’s jaw drops.

    Grandpa says, “Now, I’ll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.”

    The auditor can tell Grandpa isn’t blind, so he takes the bet.
    Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa’s attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

    “Want to go double or nothing?” Grandpa asks. “I’ll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.”

    The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there’s no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

    Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can’t make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor’s desk.

    The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Grandpa’s attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

    “Are you OK?” the auditor asks.
    “Not really,” says the attorney. “This morning, when Grandpa told me he’d been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty-five thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you’d be happy about it.”

    Don’t mess with old people!
     
    #73
    Bess Barber and Lois Winters like this.
  14. Al Amoling

    Al Amoling Veteran Member
    Registered

    Joined:
    Aug 20, 2016
    Messages:
    1,376
    Likes Received:
    2,923
  15. Lois Winters

    Lois Winters Greeter
    Staff Member Greeter Task Force Registered

    Joined:
    Oct 30, 2019
    Messages:
    2,876
    Likes Received:
    4,149

Share This Page