Bil Hears From Old Girlfriend

Discussion in 'Family & Relationships' started by Cody Fousnaugh, Jan 30, 2017.

  1. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    First of all, my BIL (wife's brother) has never been married. He is now 65. Years ago, he had a couple of girlfriends and was engaged once, but broke it off. He has told me "I can't afford a girlfriend". He works a full-time job, makes descent money, but only likes to spend on some alcohol, his car, medical check-ups, dentistry and some food. My wife has told me that he just isn't the relationship/marrying type.

    So, he sends a Christmas card to an old girlfriend that he knew, but hasn't seen in 42 years. Somehow she got his phone number online (I think she paid for it thru a "Person Search" website. Surprising the crap out of him, she calls him last week. He finds out that she's been married (once), but divorced for last 9 years, has three grandchildren and a great-grandchild. Lives by herself in an apartment, but see's her grandchildren often. She is his age. She called him again this past Friday and they talked for about an hour.

    He lives in south Florida and she is in Louisiana. He is thinking about flying up to see her and has mentioned to her about this. He would like to meet her half-way, but she doesn't seem to interested in that. She doesn't know what he looks like now, but she sent him a photo thru an e-mail. He going to have someone at work help him with the e-mail. He know very little, and doesn't want to learn much, about computer use. Anyway, he loves, and I mean LOVES, NASCAR and she has no interest. Her main interest is her grand kids. He told me "she would never move down here and I definitely would never move up there".

    So, I told him if he really wants to spend out the money to fly up and see her, that's up to her, but I wouldn't if I was him. They are too different and he sure doesn't want to be around kids. I told him that he can stay friends with her, but that would be it. Ultimately, it will be up to him if he flies up to see her, but if nothing becomes of it, he will hate himself for spending out the money.

    What do you think?
     
    #1
  2. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    I think they shouldn't get together as in a relationship, probably wouldn't work but he could go see her and maybe be just friends.

    It won't cost him a fortune for just that and at least he can rest knowing that he at least took that chance.

    Whatever he does is his business though.
     
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  3. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    Not necessarily just "his business" when he is family. I have the kind of personality that doesn't want him "walking thru a rose garden and come out crying" for-to-say.
    Heck, he balked at even calling her after she called him.
     
    #3
  4. Patsy Faye

    Patsy Faye Veteran Member
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    In his shoes - I wouldn't go
    I would just want the distant relationship in the form of chats
    It can all go horribly wrong if he goes and it looks likely it will go wrong
     
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  5. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    I would give him my opinion but you can't force a grown man what to do. Also, you don't want him blaming you if things go differently than you think.
     
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  6. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    True. Been too many years and many, many changes in their lives. Heck, from what we know, he hasn't even got a recent picture of himself to send her. He even told me that he hasn't attended any high school reunions because he wants to remember his classmates the way they looked in 1969, not today. And, he said he didn't want them to see the way his looks today. He's not heavy, just plump. But, 42 years ago, he wasn't even plump.

    I say, "use that money and drive up here and see us. We'll take you out on the boat, take you out to dinner, take you to the Range to shoot..........we will show you a good time!"
     
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  7. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    I also want the best for my family but I never
    Tell them what to do, I give my opinion then it's up to them.
     
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  8. Patsy Faye

    Patsy Faye Veteran Member
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    I think he'd be a nervous wreck Cody
     
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  9. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    From knowing this dude for the last almost 17 years, I do know him. He even told us, that when she called him the first time, she said "if you have a girlfriend or are married, just tell her I'm an old friend." My wife wouldn't put up with that if I had an old girlfriend contact me and I know I wouldn't put up with it either.

    In fact, when I met my wife, I had a girl "friend" that I was seeing once in a while. She lived 60+ miles from me. At one time, we had a relationship and I lived with her for a month, but she had three kids and I found out I just wasn't ready for that. She pretty much understood, but still had interest in me and I in her. She called me, right after I met my wife, and wanted to know if I was coming up to see her the following weekend. I told her I couldn't see her anymore because I had met someone and I knew it would get serious. She said "so what, I'm a friend". I told her, "I don't want to take any chance of losing this lady by doing something stupid, like seeing you. I'm sorry, but good luck to you in life." Never talked to her again and that was totally fine with me.
     
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  10. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    I was giving him my opinion/what I thought, but I guess some would even take that as "telling them what to do". Some folks just get too "goggly-eyed" and don't want to see the entire picture.
     
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  11. Janice Martin

    Janice Martin Well-Known Member
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    I agree with your viewpoint in both of your posts, but will address both in one comment:

    re: your BIL- like you said, people change. When two individuals go in different directions, they're not the same people they were in the distant past.
    And while it's not relevant to your BIL's situation because they're both single, I think this modern preoccupation with 'looking up old flames' is a bad idea, because it doesn't occur to people that they might be disrupting other people's lives.

    re: the post quoted above- sounds like you and your wife have the right priorities, but too many people these days don't. I've even heard it's 'mature' to 'be friends' with exes- not simply staying civil for the sake of kids, but actually socializing.
    Plus I've seen the word 'friend' tossed around to ridiculous extremes- one individual even used the term 'an old friend' to describe his ex-wife with whom he had children.
    While I don't see anything wrong with having platonic friends of the opposite gender, it doesn't include individuals with whom one has had a previous relationship.
     
    #11
  12. Shirley Martin

    Shirley Martin Veteran Member
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    Why would he send a Christmas card to a woman he hasn't seen in 42 years? How did he have her address?
     
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  13. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    I just learned from my wife, that this lady got her brother's address and phone number from the Internet (probably paid for it). She sent him a Christmas card with a small note inside. She sent it as a friend, but when they talked on the phone two different times, he got somewhat excited. He still gives me every impression and indication that he still loves his single life.
     
    #13
    Last edited: Jan 30, 2017
  14. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    If he spends the money to go see her, he does. I'm simply recommending he gives the trip careful thought before doing it. My wife sort of got on me saying, "don't you want him to find love and be happy? Maybe he's lonely now." I told her "He's had plenty of time to do that. From what he has told me before, he's very happy with his "loner" lifestyle."

    Of course, I'm just wondering how he will feel when he can look at a picture of her and she can see a picture of him. It will cost him to see her in-person.
     
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  15. Von Jones

    Von Jones Very Well-Known Member
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    It's good that your brother in-law knows everything upfront if he decides to go visit his female friend. Really I can't see anything developing out of it from what has been said. If anything he can enjoy the trip.
     
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  16. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    Well, she sent him some photos, by-way of his phone, that he had someone at his job help him see (don't ask me). He said "she looks 65" and I ask him "what's that suppose to mean. I'm almost 68 and most people don't even guess I'm that old. Your sister is the same way". He told me that she is "pleasing plump", like he is. Funny, I mentioned to him about Lady GaGa doing the Half-Time Show at the Super Bowl and he said "now she is hot looking". From the time I first met him, he has always looked at young attractive women, definitely not women in his age group. He has told us that she is very "family oriented" with grandkids and great-grand kid and he is just the opposite. When I asked him, "what are you going to tell her if she asks you about your family/sisters?" He told me, "I don't want to even think about that."

    When I, with his sister/my wife sitting in the living room with me, talked to him yesterday, he was writing down stuff he wanted to ask her about/talk to her about, when they talk again. I just don't see him calling her. He just isn't that way. It's not "set in stone" that he will fly up to see her, but it's still on his mind.

    We wish him luck, if he does decide to go.
     
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  17. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    Was going to add this to my last post, but will put it here:

    Just talked to him and they have talked twice this weekend and plan to talk again sometime today. Now, what hilarious AND really gets BIL, is that she is now talking to him about sex they had years ago. She told him that she's been "fixed" because she doesn't want anymore kids. He was happy hearing that, but it really kind of shocking to him that she is talking so "openly" to him. It shocked us to, when he told us. "Guess there's nothing like Phone Sex without paying for it"...........I kiddingly told my wife. We both laughed.
     
    #17
  18. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    If she's 65, she probably didn't need to say she's been fixed...I'm sure she's been through menopause.
     
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  19. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    Some definitely development have happened:
    He told her that he still loved her, but told wife and I it's not the same kind of love he had for her 40 years ago. Did he tell her what he told us? Don't know.
    He's been talking to her on the phone fairly often/weekly.
    She told him that she really wants him to come and visit her for a few days, but he told her that he can't financially do it. It's more like, what we know, he just doesn't want to spend the money to go anywhere. So, she ended up sending him a check for $350 for airfare. He is now excited about going.
    He sent her a recent photo of himself and she is fine with the way he look....."pleasing plump" as well.

    So, we will see what happens.
     
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  20. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    What do you folks think of this lady paying for BIL to fly to see her? What do you think of him accepting this money? Personally, I think it's wrong for him to accept the money since he is working a full-time, descent paying job and definitely not poor.
     
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  21. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    I'm noticing that nobody is making any kind of comment and/or opinion here about this lady and the money she sent BIL.
     
    #21
  22. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    It's not my business what others do with their money.
     
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  23. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    That's fine, but that is your opinion and you don't know BIL like we do.
     
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  24. Chrissy Cross

    Chrissy Cross Veteran Member
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    And that's why I didn't reply til now. :)
     
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  25. Cody Fousnaugh

    Cody Fousnaugh Very Well-Known Member
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    Ok
     
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