Are Your Children Different Than You Raised Them?

Discussion in 'Family & Relationships' started by Charlene Marolf, Sep 12, 2019.

  1. Charlene Marolf

    Charlene Marolf Very Well-Known Member
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    I raised my children to be rebels. I remember when they used to climb on top of the house. Jump out of second story windows. Fight with their teachers. De-pants bullies. (This got a suspension. I thought it was hilarious) They were supposed to be respectful, and not hurt anyone, but take no one's crap)

    My youngest son worked in a porn store when he was in his late teens. My oldest boy has been arrested. (For driving too fast. And yes, he had been drinking) We had a strange family.

    Now they are all upstanding citizens. My oldest son teaches a junior youth group how to be in big business (for free) and he makes tons of money at his job. My youngest son always referred to himself as an atheist, and he never misses church now. He and his wife makes tons of money too. (I might attribute this to a combination of his wife and the loss of my middle son, who he was very close to) He is totally changed.

    I will admit there is still a sense of humor in my oldest son. Recently we were talking on the phone. He handed the phone to his baby, who was screaming. She wanted her daddy, didn't want to talk to me. She screamed at me for several minutes. When he picked up the phone again, he said "did you get all that, Mom?" I thought it was hilarious.

    I used to be the greatest person in their world. I understand their wives and children are important, but I still thought we were all special. We lived a pretty rough life. Now I am just someone they have to tolerate. I am just mom, and they are closer to each other than me.

    I'm still the rebel, but I think they consider me just weird. Oh well, it's my choice as well. I'd rather be weird than some of the other options.

    It confuses me though. Has this happened to you?
     
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  2. Hedi Mitchell

    Hedi Mitchell Supreme Member
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  3. Beth Gallagher

    Beth Gallagher Supreme Member
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    No. Thankfully, though our children are independent and scattered to the winds, they keep in close contact with us for the most part. We understand that we are in the back seat of priorities now compared to their own families, but we never feel unimportant to them. I think that's just the natural progression of things.
     
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  4. Ken Anderson

    Ken Anderson Senior Staff
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    I don't know that it's possible to raise your children to become one thing or another, but I know what is meant by that. As parents, you can model the behavior you want from your children, you can expose them to the right things, protecting them from the wrong, and you can flood them with platitudes. There's nothing wrong with any of that but if along with the rest of this stuff, you don't encourage them to think for themselves, they will let someone else do the thinking for them, and when you're not there to do that, someone else will. I think that if we can help to build a good moral character in our children, and the ability to think for themselves, they will do okay.

    They might not choose the same occupation you'd like them to have, have different interests, and they might vote differently, or attend a different church, or none at all. They will become their own person and, as long as that person is one of good moral character, there's nothing wrong with that, and you have done well as a parent. In these times, in particular, there are far too few people who are willing to think for themselves, and far too many who are lining up to do their thinking for them.

    I bought one of the first generations of home computers and a large part of my life has revolved around computers, since. I had a computer while my son was still living with me, and before anyone else we knew had one, but he had no interest. He is in his fifties now and has never owned a computer. But he is a man of good moral character. He married the girl he dated in high school, and they are still married. As far as I can determine, he has raised two children who are also of good character. I didn't raise him to be a good person. He did that. I simply gave him the opportunity.

    To the best of our abilities, we should raise our children to be their own person, teaching them to recognize good choices and giving them the opportunity to make them. If we can do that, the chances are very good that they will make the right ones eventually.

    We don't allow our young children to make their own decisions because they're simply not very good at it. Their brains aren't fully developed yet, and they lack the knowledge and experiences on which to base their decisions.

    If our two-year-old is reaching for a hot burner, we slap his hand away (training), and follow it up with the explanation: "Don't touch that! It's hot!" (teaching). Without the teaching part, the kid might come to understand that he shouldn't touch the burner when his mother is looking, but with no understanding why mom doesn't want him to touch the burner.

    Some people spend too much time training their children, leaving the teaching to the school systems. While the schools might do an adequate job of teaching academic subjects, they often work against the more important goals that parents might have for their children. When your children aren't taught to think for themselves, someone will be eager to do the thinking for them. This often begins in the schools, which is why governments want to get your children in school as early as possible. First, there was kindergarten, then preschool, and now preschool ages might go as low as two years old, perhaps even earlier.

    The earlier that a parent can teach a child to think for himself, the greater the likelihood that he will make the right choices. Often, this won't occur until after some bad choices have been made. During the period in which a child is growing to become an adult, there is still some brain development going on, and there are perhaps some things that need to be experienced. But I think that if a parent can instill the importance of morality and ethics into their children while they still have influence over them, and give them the opportunities to make their own decisions as they are able, even if some of these are not the same choices that the parent would make, they will learn to think for themselves.
     
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  5. Mary Robi

    Mary Robi Veteran Member
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    Oh, yes indeedy.
     
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  6. Bess Barber

    Bess Barber Veteran Member
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    @Charlene Marolf I will admit that since my kids became adults, we have never had ANYTHING which resembled a Publix commercial with the warm fuzzy family holiday dinners. Other than my daughter, who lives across the street from me, a year can easily come and go without seeing either of the boys. They only live 2 hours away. They don't visit each other either. They text on birthdays and the threat of a hurricane. They all had good normal childhoods. I'm glad they are independent...........but for pete's sake.......I ride the thin line between being really hurt and not giving a crap any longer.

    Thanks for your post. I thought as a Jewish mom, perhaps I was just being overly sensitive. :D
     
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  7. Charlene Marolf

    Charlene Marolf Very Well-Known Member
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    Whew. @Bess Barber I don't feel like a total dummy. and @Ken Anderson that was very well said.

    I know I have some doggone smart kids who really do some thinking, they've just moved on from their old mom. Kinda smarts.

    Thanks everybody.
     
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  8. Babs Hunt

    Babs Hunt Supreme Member
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    I raised my children to believe in God and in theirselves. They made a few mistakes along the way to becoming adults (far fewer than I made growing up) but all three of my daughters have turned out to be fine faith filled and hard working and responsible adults. I miss the closeness and time spent together with my daughters and their families too. The last couple of years their lives have been so hectic with jobs, school, after school activities, etc. that there just isn't a whole lot of time left over to spent with each other. Even for Holidays it's getting harder to plan get togethers because everyone has a different schedule. We manage to find a time that will work for everyone but it's usually not on the holiday itself. Since being diagnosed with breast cancer last March I get to spend more time with my daughters who want to take me for my medical appointments, etc. It's not the way I would have wished for more time with them ...but I'll take what I can get. I miss having more time with all of them especially because I might not have a lot of time left on this Earth...but at the same time I'm proud that they are living their lives the way they want to. And when I really get lonely for them I let them know and we arrange a lunch or shopping together date and catch up on hugs and each other's lives. I'm proud of who my daughters are and what they are doing with their lives...I gave them wings and let them fly...and yet they never forget where "home" is or the Mom they came from.
     
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    Last edited: Dec 30, 2019
  9. Lois Winters

    Lois Winters Veteran Member
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    I raised my son to be studious and above all else to be a gentleman. He has a thriving IT business and I am complimented on what a lovely, thoughtful man he is. His bereavement group met here last night,(all have lost their spouse within the past year), and they were delighted that he was able to lead them.
     
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  10. Bess Barber

    Bess Barber Veteran Member
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    How nice that he participates in this!! Unless someone has been through it, it is really hard to describe how hard it is to no longer have your spouse around. It's not just the warm fuzzy missing-you feelings. It is also the loss of the person you always had to listen about your crummy work day or come if the car has a flat or is just ......around. I didn't talk to anyone when it happened to me. I thought I was doing super. Then, about 2 months later, I just went into the yard and screamed. I wasn't fine at all. So, I appreciate that your son is willing to help others at a really rough time in their life.
     
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  11. Lois Winters

    Lois Winters Veteran Member
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    While it is therapeutic for him, Bess, he spent Christmas night in the living room sobbing his heart out. I was flat on my back in serious pain, but I heard him from my bedroom/
     
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  12. Betty Jones

    Betty Jones Veteran Member
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    i have the same problems as charlene and gloria
     
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  13. Holly Saunders

    Holly Saunders Supreme Member
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    @Beth Gallagher & @Lois Winters (son) (((((hugssss))))))

    May the year 2020 and the start of a new decade bring happiness to you and yours...
     
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  14. Beth Gallagher

    Beth Gallagher Supreme Member
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    Thanks, Holly! And right back atcha! [​IMG]
     
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