Family Responsibilities

Do you have someone in your family that at the first sign of trouble, you're their go to person? I seem to have several. Most of my family go about their lives as if they think they have their own fairy godmother. Me!!

When I had my business, I didn't mind helping family with costly emergencies. I felt that was what family did for each other if they were in a position to do so. I've been supplementing my brother's income for more than twenty years. My husband and I put four of our five children, and four grandchildren through college. We helped them with down payment on their homes to help them get started, and if emergencies popped up, we were there for them.

After Michael died the family showed up, and started to ask for things that they knew I couldn't use or maintain, so I gave it to them instead of selling it all. I heard a lot of, "I'd like to have it to remember Papaw by".

Since then I've heard everything from, "I need money for surgery." "I'm behind on my mortgage." But the gist is always, "I need."

None of these relatives have even come to see me for the last 18 months. I've had to tell them that I'm out of funds, but for some reason they don't believe me.

I have enough to live on, but that's about it. But I could use some help fixing things around the house, but they all feel they have the right to say no, because I refused to help them with their recent problems.

When did helping family get so twisted?

One of my grandsons came to live with me last March, and it seems his wants to stay here. It does give me a sense of security, and when I fall, he's there to pick me up. But since he doesn't work, I pay for all his living expenses. So he sleeps most of the day, and plays on his Xbox (?) all night.

I admit he takes out the trash, and helps if he knows how, but he doesn't even know how to drive. He's only worked for a fast food place for a total of six months, and he almost 27, and I see little effort to do more.

How can I motivate this young man to make a life for himself? I don't know how to help him without kicking him out, and I admit he is the reason I can still stay in my home. I don't want to live in an assisted living home.

I can't change the rest of my family, but I feel I should help my grandson, but how? Any ideas.

 

Hi Ina,

Sometimes the more you do for others, the more they expect it. Also, sometimes, the more you do for others, the less they'll do for themselves. Only you can say no, or yes. So it's really up to you how much you do for them.

I know that you are torn, I feel the same way with my sister. For example, if I am not available to help her with her computer, she figures things out for herself. But if I do everything for her (I use remote control to work on her software needs as she is about 150 miles up the coast from me) she doesn't learn at all, and come the very next day, she can be asking me the same exact question how to do something. She knows I will rescue her. At this stage of the game, I just go ahead and do it although it is very stressful do to bad internet on her end (very slow).

That might not be the best example, but you know what I mean. I just think there is a fine line between being a loving person, and possibly enabling someone to "not" learn to do things for themselves.

I know I have way more confidence, and respect for myself, when I supply my own needs. If I can't supply the things I want for myself, then I don't need them. That's just how I see it for me.

Maybe you want to be needed, and they are very dependent on you, so you are needed. Same with my sister, she is very dependent on what I can provide for her. But when I need something, I know I have to provide that for myself. So it's our choice. I do know one thing for sure, I would rather be a giver than a taker. But we have to draw the line, just like our country. If we are doing so much for others that it's taking the things we need to provide for ourselves (like rest, and some peace of mind) then soon we won't have anything to provide for ourselves, let alone give away to others.

 

@Ina I. Wonder
Its a shame to say the least that you have been taken advantage of, that's what happens unfortunately
I had to walk away as I was so drained by it
You made the mistake of giving 'too' much Ina and now it is difficult to reverse
With your Grandson, there is a chance. Sit down with him and have a long heartfelt talk, even if he starts with
a part time job, it will be a start to progress from. Tell him you need 'his' help, he just may not realise
His life at present is stale, he needs motivation and I'm sure you can give that, you would do him an immense favour
if you can get him to 'see' - the longer you leave it, the harder it will be
I wish you all the luck and guidance from the Almighty, think on it and above all - do it

 

All that @Patsy Faye and @Denise Happyfeet said is true in my opinion @Ina I. Wonder .....a lot of us through a need to be liked become "people pleasers" we keep giving thinking we will be appreciated for what we give to others. Unfortunately people pick up on this need to be liked, and will take advantage of it by taking more and more, and as you have found give nothing in return even in the form of friendship.

You need to change yourself first Ina, value yourself for who you are and not for what you can give or do for others, it may sound selfish at first but when you value yourself you attract people to you, who will value you as well, and then you can help each other in a fair and healthy way.
I know it's easier said than done, but that really is the only way to go in order to get your own life back..

Here is a LINK about "People Pleasing" and Codependency issues, there is a lot of information on the internet about this subject which affects most of us to a degree.

With regard to your grandson as @Patsy Faye said you need to have a conversation with him, because he will eventually become unemployable and what future will he have then, you do need to be firm with him, and though maybe against your nature, this could be a starting point for turning your life around....I wish you well with it all...

 

Oh - well put Terry - great post ! Especially this bit, so true !

 

@Ina I. Wonder In answer to your question above an old saying comes to mind: "You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink." So far, from what you have said it seems you have not been leading your grandson to water, but bringing the water to him...maybe even spoon feeding it to him at times.

If you want to motivate him, then you are going to have to stop giving him a free ride with everything. You need to talk to him Ina but before you even do that....you need to figure out exactly what you want and need from your grandson and what you are willing to give in return. For example, you might be perfectly happy trading room and board, for his being there so you don't have to sell your home and live in an assisted living place. But what else do you need your grandson to do to help you out? Do you need him to help you with maintaining your home and outside property, etc.? Is he capable of doing the things you need help with?

I think you mentioned he does not drive. If he doesn't and you expect him to get at least a part time job or even go to school for some training for a job...are there places close enough that he could walk to or a bus route close enough to take to and from either a part time job or schooling? You should not have to pay for any of his personal needs or wants Ina...and that includes special foods or drinks that you would not normally buy.

After you figure out what you need and want from your grandson, then you sit down with him and let him know these things. Usually you will get one of two reactions: If he is just a freeloader and he knows he will not be able to freeload off of you anymore...he will move out. Or he will start doing what you ask of him, and find a job or schooling, etc.

You have to know what you want and expect and what you are willing to give and not give....before you can motivate the other person to either meet your expectations or to reach a compromise you both can be happy with....or for the other person to realize the free ride is over with and move out.

 

Excellent advice IMO from everyone especially @Yvonne Smith and @Babs Hunt .

Ina you have to steel yourself however difficult you might think it will be to get this dealt with asap...I wish you luck with this, because ultimately you are the one who is getting the raw deal here.

 

Unfortunately family can easily get use to a "giver" within the family. Of course it's nice to be a "giver" when enough money is there to do it. Unfortunately (again) some family members don't care if the money is no longer there, they still "want" and will get upset when nothing is given to them.
IOW, the "giver" has totally spoiled those family members that don't want to understand, or even care, if money is not available like it once was.
The entire family knows who the "helper/giver" was and absolutely don't want to hear "sorry, but", when it comes to money.
Depending on the attitudes of family, "givers" can end up creating family "wanters" and not even realize it until it's too late.

We have a family member that seems to always need money and before my MIL died, she took financial care of that person. Today it's my SIL that does it, because she gets in a nice Pension from teaching. The other family members don't want to contribute, but all remember the person on Birthdays and Christmas and send money to her.

For those that do have the extra money, it's nice to help out family. Unfortunately, when family get to the point where that money is expected and the money is no longer there, serious family problems crop up.

As for your grandson, at 27, he should have a job and contribute. Why didn't he learn to drive??? Is it me or are you leaving something out of your OP about your grandson???

 

Sorry guys, but I've had two problems this last week. One, my half-brother fell and messed up the knee he recently had surgery on, and I had to go get him. He lives about two hours north of me, and he needed to go back to the VA, and that is about 45 minutes south of me. I am his only family, other than a 42 year old son that he is just now starting to get to know.

Second problem was that I lost my internet connection until around 1m today. I had just read all of your responses when I lost my connection. So now is my first chance to answer. But it did give me the chance to think about what all of you had to say.

@Terry Page , said something about people pleasers, and that got me to thinking. I dob't think I'm a people pleaser so much, but I did start to think about how I was raised.

I was my father's only child, and I was a girl. Neither were good things to be. My father didn't like me, and he felt I was God's punishment to him for his past sins.

My father raised me on a farm, and to believe that all women were sinful, that we were only here on earth to serve man. And that was the only worth a woman had. By the time I was ten, I was taking care of his home and doing all the cooking. My mother had left him by that time. I was only allowed two and a half years in school, and my father married me off when I was 13. Then I became a mother at 14. So all I remember is always taking care of others. I never had a childhood.

I was taught my value was in how well I took care of others.

As I got older, and started to teach myself how to survive, I did start to get a better handle on how to make my way in the world. I've raised five children, my two sons, two step-daughters, and one adopted son. When the children were young, I taught them to farm and raised animals for the family. I put myself through college for 19 years, built and ran a company employing over 300 people. My whole life, I always pushed myself to learn and do for my family, to make their lives better.

I home cared my parents until they died, my oldest son was murdered in '93, and I raised his two children for ten years. The boy we adopted went back to the island he came from, but he left his daughter for us to raise. One of my stepdaughters dropped away from the family in the '90's, and one has stuck by us. Then in '07 I had to close my company, and my husband and I lost almost everything.

Our youngest son moved back home in '08 to help us with our farm, and we were dealing the best we could, just like a so many other people were doing at that time. Big Michael, young Michael, and I worked hard at our farm.

Then Big Michael got sick, and young Michael and I were holding things together. Then in '14, both of my Michaels died. That's when everyone showed up with their hands out. I thought they were going to help.

All my life I have been caring for family. Until now, I think that's where I found my self worth. In the last two years, I have been trying to figure out just who I am without that side of me. The money and stuff have never been very important to me, but without others to care for I think I felt lost. For two years now, I have been trying to find another identity.

I think Bobert will grow now that he is living with me. His parents are living out in the country, and he was caring for them and an invalid uncle, until I got sick last spring, and he came to help me. They never taught him to drive, and they depended on him for the labor around their place. He felt trapped by what his parents wanted out of him. Bobert is not lazy. He does all the physical yard work, almost an acre, and if I teach him, he does the small repairs around the cabin.

He was living in an area that fast food jobs were all that were available. Not long ago, he asked me to help him get started on his own life. So I'll be teaching him to drive, and he started placing job applications this month. So I feel that I should help him. At least it's a two way street.

But this thread has made me understand that my self worth is not dependent on my taking care of others, but I'm still struggling with who I am now. I am beginning to see that I must find a way to value myself for who I have become, and not just for what I can do for others.

Thank you everyone.

 

@Ina I. Wonder I'm in that same place. I've nurtured everyone else all my life and now that I'm having health problems that won't let me continue in that full time nurturing role...I'm struggling with who I am besides that Nurturer too. But I know this Ina, you and I are much more than just Nurturers and I also know that it is time in both our lives that we get a little nurturing back for all we have given so freely all our lives. Sometimes we may have to let others know what we need from them. It doesn't sound like Bobert has had much of a chance to find out who he is and to grow into the person he was meant to be. I think y'all could help each other to grow into who you both are meant to be at this season of your lives especially if y'all keep the scales balanced in the give and take of your relationship.

 

@Babs Hunt , I think that most people, men and women, come to a point where they find themselves lost after a long life of working and raising a family. We get so wound up in the struggle of surviving and getting ahead, that this time in our lives doesn't get much thought. I think many of us get caught in this trap.

When we're young, none of us know what our physical limits are going to entail, so it doesn't occur to us, much less those younger than us, just how lost we can find ourselves.

I have talked to several members of my family, but they don't get it, and they feel that I will do as I've always done. Pulled through whatever. They don't get that my body can not keep the struggle up anymore. I have had physical problems all my life, none the less, I showed them how to learn, work, and fight for whatever you get in life, no matter what disabilities you might have.

But I never showed them the pain that also comes with that kind of struggle. So now they find themselves struggling harder than they could imagine, and there just isn't time or space for me.

Just when I was about to give up, the grandchild that had the least wants to help me, and I him. I'm trying to help Bobert find a place for himself in this world, and he picks me up when he hears a thud.

Maybe the world's not over after all.

 

I hear ya Tinker!